21 06 2011

“Becoming more promiscuous after a sexual assault is just as common as becoming frigid or undesired of being touched.”

For me it was split. If a guy touched me first I would often freak out inside, sometimes I still do. But more it was like I was on a hunt. A hunt for any cock that could make my insides not feel of him. Months after being apart I still felt him inside me. Any shape would do, because at least it wasn’t his. It didn’t matter who it was, I didn’t see a face, or a name. I wasn’t fucking a person, it was just a warm body. A place holder.

I’m not proud of this. I treated them no better than a piece of meat. I’m not saying that all of these guys were perfect gentlemen, but some of them deserved much more than what I gave them. For the most part I thought it was tit for tat. I didn’t think they wanted anything really other than my body and so why should I want anything more from them? Most of them I didn’t even really want their body, I Just wanted to not feel his.

“Just don’t go out and fuck a bunch of random guys, L, you’re better than that.”

Because of those words I went on a fucking rampage. Not my brightest moment. And I’m lucky I didn’t get hurt even more, at least not for a while. But I didn’t understand what had happened between my husband and I. All I knew is I could feel him on top of me, inside of me, and it made me feel sick. Anything was better than that feeling.

And then a friend came a long. And Christmas with him. Being vegan we cooked a lot instead of going out and fucked more. He had been burned bad, and hadn’t been laid in a while, I guess I was his confidence booster. I really liked him. I liked having sex with him, and even a few times we actually made love to each other. But really that part of my humanity still needed a great amount of repair. And I still had no idea what had happened, at least not the fore front of my mind. If I had actually  lived in town I might have risked a real relationship. I’m so glad I didn’t, because I think that if he had accepted I would have treated him terribly. And he’s one of the nice ones.

I thought for sure having sex multiple times a day for a month would keep what I was merely horniness under control for at least a month or two. But a week after I got back home, I found myself drunkenly fucking a guy I could not stand.  I blew him, but I was strange because he was watching “Step Brothers” the whole time. I really don’t like that movie. It was taking a while and my jaw hurt so I told him I had a condom. He came quickly after that and got up and went to take a shower, meanwhile I felt really unsatisfied and annoyed.

I stared him in the face and asked him, ” Do you like pleasing women?”

After that I decided that I would only fuck people I that I found attractive, and people I actually liked.

Finally some sort of standards.

After the vegan I realized I really wanted a steady partner, because for the most part one night stands blow.

I told myself that I was exploring my sexuality. And its true in many ways I was. I learned something about myself and my body with every person. Unless the guy was a real jerk I was usually very polite. Even if he did loose wood. I realized for the most part I was a patient person and that after being married for two years and not having my pleasure considered I wanted it to be. I realized that some times its almost impossible for sex to be only about the P in the V. But more than anything, I realized that deep down I knew I wasn’t okay.

But I had no idea why. I thought it was the divorce. I knew that the way my ex and I had ended wasn’t right, but I didn’t think about it much. I read and reread my journal, his emails, looking for clues searching for answers of what had happened.

I think my subconscious was protecting my consciousness. Because it wasn’t until I was done with undergrad this past spring that it happened. In the most unexpected way. I had moved around a couple of times trying to really find a place to live after graduation. I was unpacking my books. I came across my Human Sexuality textbook I had gotten at a garage sale in Denton, I decided to flip through it. I stumbled upon the definition for sexual assault.  In a flash it all came back.




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