Stuck on Repeat

24 08 2011

I don’t hate men. I really don’t. I don’t hate my friends that are men. I love them. I love my father, my grandfather. Cousins. Uncles. Professors. Mentors.

But I have the one man that I do hate…is stuck in my head.

Any time I see some stupid facial expression that resembles one that he used to give me. Or some stupid impossible situation happens, I expect to be blamed. And its not that I intentionally put some huge wall up. But then once I see my ex’s face, that’s all I see.

I have such a long way to go.

I have to find a counselor up here.

Tomorrow.

And you know I also realized something else. I’m sooo not poly. I’m just a commitment phobe. Because really, in actuality I’m more okay with some one telling me straight up being up front about being poly amorous and wanting to be with multiple people, and me knowing where I stand with them. Just them. Than I am trying to even fathom getting to know and potentially trust, multiple people at once.

Fuck that.

There’s no way that’s happening. I’m more okay with telling strangers what happened to me than trying to actually have a romantic relationship with some one. Because the strangers just walk away. Like some strange living recording device that I never have to see again.

And for a while I forget what ever it was that I said to them.

I think for whatever reason there is still something in my head that says, ” You know what the sure sign of being okay is? Being in a relationship”

Which isn’t the case. It wasn’t the case when I was dating my ex, it wasn’t the case when I was married to my ex, and it certainly wasn’t and isn’t the case after divorcing my ex.

I feel like I haven’t really been single. I haven’t told myself, “I’m not seeing any one right now.”

I haven’t said to myself….”You really shouldn’t be having sex right now.”

I mean I have, but usually only after a terrible one night stand.

I really… really, need to give myself some time to heal. Just, that’s it.

I need to chill the fuck out and cool it with the sex for a minuet.

I’m going to need a new vibrator.

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One response

25 08 2011
Geo

(I don’t know you – reading only glimpses of your recent postings. Some of what I say will be utterly wrong and worthless for you. I hope that pieces of what I say will be helpful.)

Counseling sounds like an excellent idea! Perhaps – through counseling or perhaps not I think that you need a variety of things to help give you some peace – in the short-term.

I sense – that you need someone to vent to – someone who will listen to you and Validate your feelings. S/he needn’t give you advice or help you solve your problems but simply accept you and help you feel a little less out-of-it – that your feelings are real and understandable.

At some point – perhaps not yet – you need to develop a reasonably good (peer) male friend (perhaps someone who is already your friend – fellow artist for example, perhaps not) who can be “real” and perhaps develop into being a close friend – where the friendship is developing trust – but is Not Sexual/Romantic.

It’s not clear to me that you want a Relationship (or have wanted it) as much as you seem to want Certainty – and to have things NOW – not dragged out over time with a lack of clarity. A relationship seems to have been significant to you in the past and now is dwarfed by the realities of the feelings related to your Ex.

One-night-stands – are clearly your escape mechanism/drug of choice.

Poly – appears – highly improbable in the short-term. You need to feel like you can have a single, committed relationship and feel safe in it before you can deal emotionally with multiple relationships (if that ever becomes what you may want).

It appears to me that you need to try – over time – a variety of things related to developing to the point that you may want to get into a committed relationship when you are ready for one and you meet someone you want to be with more regularly.

Related to moving towards this situation – you likely will need to try various things in your life that may help you with little – often tiny – steps along your path.

It is clearly very, very painful! That is understandable! Good Luck! I hope that some of what I say is helpful.

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