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30 08 2011

Four years ago, I had only had sex with one person. This is no longer the case.

I think because of the guilt I carried around for having a high sex drive since I was young, and learning that it was offensive to god to really have those feelings towards any one who wasn’t your spouse , and then being raped by that spouse, and then a stranger, has led me to be very confused about my sexual desires.

Or maybe I never really learned how to properly say no. No to myself and no to others, but that failing isn’t reserved just for sexual experiences. I don’t really know how to say no in most situations.

I think I’m learning though. I’m finally learning to say no. Learning to trust my intuition. Learning to not just always go with the flow.

See the weird thing is, a lot of the time that I’m just going with the flow, I’m not even there. Its like my body is in a movie. Slow motion. I’m watching my life happen. I know I’m there. I know I’m not actually in a movie, but I don’t feel in control of my body is. Some times I just space out and focus on one object. Its like I zoom in, and nothing else exists or is in focus.

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One response

3 09 2011
peniscolony

I feel like all that combined would do a number on pretty much anyone.

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