Learning to talk with strangers.

11 09 2011

I love slicing potatoes. It’s the main reason I make homemade potato chips.  The repetitive motion of the knife. Trying to be as thin and even as possible. There’s a small satisfaction that comes through me.  Calm.

I told another person about what happened. Actually two. A girl that’s in the same program as me. And one of the guys that I’ve seen a couple of times from okc. (before I deleted my profile)

It went really well. The telling of. I didn’t recount every detail I just kinda, stated what happened. Every time I tell a person there’s always a different reaction. The nerves mainly come from the fear of reactions…but also every time I say it out loud. It becomes all the more real. And then for the next day or so I’m stuck, not as bad as I once was, but stuck all the same on the images. On the stories. And I’m not quite paralyzed, but I don’t really move either.

It’s just, most days I go along and don’t think about it much. And then now, getting to know people, eventually it does or will come up. I know that I don’t have to tell any one. And that if people stop talking to me because of it, that they just aren’t ready or worth my time. But at some point you have to trust some body. So it doesn’t matter it will hurt, one way or another, eventually. But it is starting to hurt less.

I don’t know why Can’t think of really many reasons why it should.

Other than, I guess the unemployment leaving me to my thoughts.

School, assigning things like mapping my life. Symbols of your life.

The bitterness in my spirit seems to be in a lull. I want it to just be gone. Gone out of my being.

 

I know that what happened to me isn’t an isolated event. I know that my experience isn’t every person’s.  But more and more I’m hearing stories of other women that I encounter that have had a sexual violation. More and more in movies, books, what have you I see it happening to women and men. I don’t know what it is exactly, if the taboo of sex, and sexuality has created a society that just plain doesn’t know how to deal or what.  And even if the case is that such predators are created by their society, or repression, or what ever…. it does not exclude the fact that most people have the capacity to discern and  ability to think critically and for themselves. Thus responsible for their choices. So perhaps a person may be bred to be a violent person. But, they are capable of thinking. They are after all a human being. A person. Right?

Of course what ever wrong was done to them, or conditioning, is awful, terrible. But it does not however excuse their own actions or make them any less wrong.

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11 09 2011

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