It’s Personal

24 10 2011

Things I’ve considered doing if I weren’t an artist.

  • Underwater Welding
  • Non-Sex Dominatrix
  • English teacher in foreign country
  • Art Historian
  • Vagrant
  • Chocolate Factory Worker
  • Farmer
  • Migrant Worker
  • Off the grid self sustainer in undisclosed local

Of course these things I could do as well as being an artist, as my more practical side…except for the las half.

Its unclear if my waning passion is because I’m just tried, I’ve come to realize that my parents were right all along and this whole art thing was just a phase, I hate art school(well mostly the people in it), I don’t like Boston, I’m terribly lonely, or I am not really an artist after all.

What makes an artist, an artist any way? Why make art? do I still have this crazy drive to create things, sure.

So maybe, I’m just a bad artist? If so, then what? Do I care? Do I just keep on keepin’ on and say fuck it? Thomas Kinkade is a pretty bad artist in many ways. But that doesn’t stop him from making millions. Same could be said for several people I suppose. Well…maybe not several, but you know, a few.

I’m not looking for fame. Or am I?

Am I just waiting, longing to be discovered? No, but maybe my work is. I’m not so much interested in the spotlight. But I could be cool with a piece or two being in an Art Forum or Juxtapoze.

I got in free to the MOMA in NY yesterday, because the museum owns a couple of my friends pieces. I suppose I would like to one day get to get in free to the MOMA or some other museum, because they own some of my pieces.

In the grand scheme of things, it isn’t much.

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to my friend…but then why shouldn’t I? Any way compared to where he is, I feel as though I am still inside the womb. I haven’t been birthed. And none of my art has really breathed yet because of it.

He asked me why I wouldn’t want to live in West Texas again. This was my response, “Its like being constipated (really constipated), but also being incredibly full, like just after Thanksgiving or something, AND being nauseous, all at once.  You’re so full and weighted down and on the verge of  exploding every way possible.”

He looked at me for a second and repeated what I said, I clarified a few things and then he paused…”That sounds horrible!

It is horrible. And that’s how I felt living in Abilene. For nearly six years of my life.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that, that’s how I feel about all of Texas really.

So I think about how I’m never going to live there again, how that would be the worst thing for me, ever. And then I pause, process, and think to myself, then realized I need to be more Okay with who I am before I can live there again.

So it’s really more of me needing to learn to deal than anything else. Maybe ‘deal’ isn’t the right word. Maybe accept, maybe I need to learn to accept who I am. Maybe I need to learn to love myself.  It’s a strange contradiction, but it seems like if I really loved myself, I could be less selfish.

Sometimes I wish I had “more” to say in my art. But then I realize that I have too much to say. There are lots of things I could say about the content I’ve been working with. The surplus of meaning within the context of this work is overwhelming.  I think perhaps if I write some of it out, instead of just storing it up inside then I it wouldn’t bother me so much. Also, I need to do more research, to help clarify things for myself.  And I need to organize my research better. Much better.

Sometimes I wish I could be more political and give more of a universal damn, with my art, but then I’m reminded by things that were said to me over and over recently, by people who have little in common other than knowing me. They have said something to this effect, ” It’s good that it’s coming from a personal place, work is always powerful that does that.” And so I think of this. I keep this in mind. I hold this as my security blanket. For this much I know, my work, it’s personal.




One response

24 10 2011

It’s not bad to want recognition. I mean, if what you want is partially to have art that is recognized – that doesn’t make you shallow. You just keep on keeping on and say ‘fuck it’

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