Hookie

9 11 2011

Today I have decided that I can’t go to school.

Sharing that last bit with you, and I’ve been getting pretty intense with my therapy, on top of making art about all that I’m dealing with…..lets just say I need more than a breather.

My best good friend reminded me that it really hasn’t been all that long ago since everything happened. And even less time for me to actually be aware and dealing.

I wish healing wasn’t so painful.

I’m trying to read about trauma coping techniques for PTSD victims and that seems to be going well, but slow.

I have not mentioned to my counselor that I have been contacting people on craigslist and sending nude photos of myself with out a second thought…until now. Nothing happened- other than getting stood up.

I am starting to think perhaps I’m willing to do this because I remembered that my ex made me take photos. Well, I wasn’t tied down some I suppose some of you would probably say I still had a choice.  But I was scared. Of what, I’m not sure. Him, that I know, beyond that I can’t say. I think that’s part of why it stopped. Why he was okay to leave. I can’t say that I remember really. I do remember saying that he deserved some.

So I guess because my rapist ex-husband has nude photos I’m cool with showing my hoo-hoa whenever I choose. Maybe I’m trying to reclaim something? Or maybe its just nice to know that naked photos of me exist in some one else’s masturbatory collection beyond that of my rapist?

Maybe I’m just too fucking sex obsessed?

But I love sending dirty emails to anonymous people, I can’t tell you how much fun it is. Plus its pretty much safe. I don’t plan on being a politician, or public school teacher, so whatever.

Most of the actual photos I send end up being things I’ve taken of myself when I was bored and I’m trying to figure stuff out for more explicit pieces I want to do.

In the back of my head I hear the upbringing I had screaming at me that I’m a whore, that I have no self respect, that I wasn’t properly loved by my father….but I do have self respect.

And I have thought about getting a sugar daddy, so maybe I am a whore? Who. Fucking. Cares?

I don’t think I will actually seek out a sugar daddy arrangement, just something I had been considering, since I’m so fucking broke.

I was thinking of getting a corset for myself for christmas but now considering all these things above I think I’ll get this.

Or you know I’ll be ultra responsible and use the money to apply to graduate schools and residencies.

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2 responses

9 11 2011
peniscolony

I’ve submitted nude pictures of myself to different websites. I dunno, for me, I don’t think it goes any deeper than just… fun and and an ego boost. I mean, I like my body and at times I am proud of it, and I want people to see it. But for you maybe it does go deeper, I dunno. But I think it’s a common enough practice that anyone can make generalizations about WHY people do stuff like that, so don’t let anyone who is not you tell you why you do anything

9 11 2011
peniscolony

*no one can make generalizations about, oops

Also, that vibrator looks amazing. I think Erik is taking me to Babeland for Christmas so that’s pretty sweet

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