12 11 2011

The question that I constantly try and ignore, but can always feel in the corner of my eye is: If my husband raped me, how is any one else supposed to love me?

If my husband raped me how I am supposed to love any one else?

How do I trust after the one that I trusted more than myself completely betrayed that trust?






3 responses

13 11 2011

I think that it is most understandable that you feel as you do!

I think that your “answer” – if there is such a thing at all right now is that you Do Not Now need a Man – to “love me” – as in be my partner.

You seem to me to need a healing process based – being – living, existing, or similar – that gives you an evolving Peace – You want a Certainty – which you perceive as relating to a Primary Relationship with a single man.

You’ve been severely wounded by at least two men. The wounds from your ex-husband are particularly Deep Within You. Unless – you can both: 1.) Feel safe from abuse and 2.) Enjoy yourself without seeking – deep connection/meaning – I think that you need to move away from sexual relationships – until you feel much, much better about yourself.

What I think that you do need is to build – “an ark” – for lack of better words – something – I can’t possibly know what it is – but a place/space/existence/essence – that is safe and comfortable for you – to help you heal – and develop a balance – which will Then – allow you to move forward emotionally in your life.

Whether your “ark” – is a single thing within your life (doubtful, but possible) or a set of things to help you – you need to find a safe space somewhere/somehow. It can not in my estimation be found through alcohol, drugs or similar – which further hide you from facing the ugly realities you feel so deeply.

I could imagine things such as: meditation, finding an individual (probably a woman) – to be able to mutually vent with – and “hold each other’s hand” – and begin healing, some form of artwork/craftwork different from your studies, some type of spiritual/religious focus or something else – I can’t possibly know.

I believe that you need to give yourself space – to grieve, to rage, to feel, to be and similar – and to Not Force yourself – forward in other ways and similar. IF you can do this while studying in Boston- great – if not, I think it probably is more important for you to help yourself and to move back into your future career when you are ready for it.

I hope that this is helpful! My ideas are based solely upon what I’ve read of your life experiences – obviously I can be wrong – because I don’t know you in person – in reality. Good Luck!

13 11 2011

That arc, this is part of it. Actually writing out those questions instead of just replaying them in my head, big part of letting myself be.

Perhaps it isn’t the best way, but drinking, not in excess, just enough to let me really feel the effects of alcohol, allows me to just feel. It inhibits me enough so I can’t suppress my tears that I hold back so often. The anger that I feel I let run through me.

Religion is not a pleasant suggestion.

I should meditate though.

13 11 2011

The last two questions are the only important ones, and you’ll learn how to love and trust again in time. And whenever that happens and you’re ready to trust again, whomever it is you’re going to trust would be totally crazy not to love you. So that takes care of the first part: how is anyone supposed to love you? Uhhh, duh, you’re totally awesome

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