Late Start

18 11 2011

Got a late start yesterday, but early by comparison to plenty of recent past days. Sure I was two hours late to my three hour class, but I got there. And that was an accomplishment in and of it self.

“You’re strong”

I don’t feel strong.

“You really are. Its understandable that you’re angry, you’ve had several people treat you really horribly.”

These are the words from my therapist. I freaked out because I gave him my, “Summit Abyss” entry and he told me that I should go to BAARC which I should, but at first I felt like I was being rejected by my counselor. Like he was basically telling me that I was too fucked up for him to handle. He didn’t know what to say to me any more.

This was not the case. While he might feel inadequate as the only source of therapy, he really just meant that I needed more than he alone could give. And he made that very clear.  Which was wonderful because my last counselor I had, the Jesusy one, after I was like “I was raped by my husband (the one we did marriage counseling with back in the day), oh and that stranger…” he was like, “Whelp, that sucks…go here!”

Not, actually but that is what it felt like.

I have a pyscho-pharmacology appointment with BIT on Tuesday,  I keep telling myself It will work out. And one day I won’t need medication. One day I’ll have the self discipline to maintain my mental health.

I am working towards that day.

Everything. Will. Be. Okay.

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2 responses

7 12 2011
Geo

You not posting for so long leads me to believe that either:

1. You are extremely busy with school and other priorities and are possibly “ok” or
2. (More likely) you are extremely depressed and are really hurting.

IF – the latter is the situation and you would appreciate (private) support – I’m 60 – and will NEVER – meet you or Seek you – feel free to email me now or at any time in the future – at: i*n*f*o (leave out the “*’s” AT my website – and I’ll be happy to support you however I can via email. Thanks and Good Luck! – Please – delete this from your comments if it ends up there.

18 11 2011
peniscolony

I think ‘self-discipline’ is a bad way to look at it. I mean, you have two things going on right now: the depression issues you’ve had for a long time and the gnarly rape crisis trauma stuff. So it’s hard to see… what is what. When you’ve got yourself back in fighting shape from the rape stuff, I think the picture you have of your mental health will be a lot clearer, because right now it’s hard to parse what is completely reasonable and, in a way, logical response to pretty extremely traumatic shit and what is an illness that is innate. Wait I was totally going somewhere with this. Ohhhhh right, the self-discipline thing. Anyway, don’t think of it like … you’re too weak or something to just maintain. You would never think a diabetic lacked self-discipline because they needed insulin or whatever. NOT THAT I THINK YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ON MEDICATION THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM SAYING sorry if this is rambly, I can’t sleep.

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