Unsexy Sex Dreams

21 02 2012

I am convinced my pills give me the most awkward, unsexy sex dreams, ever. I’m never having sex in any of these dreams. I’m like wall paper or something. And ALL the people I know and some random strangers from the T are having sex. So that means you! Usually it just starts out with a couple of the people who are totes not gay having gay sex, then they morph into other people, but its more like meiosis or something. So then it becomes an orgy. But its like every one is a virgin and super nervous, so there’s all this fumbling and stumbling, and “Oh! Sorry” moments.

Then in walks the most unwanted of all people…my ex. And every one stops, stares, stares, stares…fade to black end of dream.

Its basically the same every time. Thankfully it hasn’t included any of my family, just every one else I know. Which is still totally weird. Awkward. And very unsexy in many cases. 

Yogurt, you’re all I’ve got.

21 02 2012

Apparently my new diet consist of yogurt,…and nothing else.

My pills make me nauseous. My period makes me suicidal. And the whole out of body experience is really getting old. 

February has not been good to me these past two years. 

My head was so fucked by those anti-psychotic bitches I was put on in the hospital I thought my nephew wasn’t born till march 27th and its next week when he turns one. I mean there are other examples that are probably way better, I’m sure, but I can’t remember them.


So I get to call the doctor and tell them that pills: no good. Being suicidal, nauseous, and having super awkward unsexy sex dreams about EVERYONE, where you don’t even get to have sex, is not fun.  Oh and still having panic attacks on a regular basis? And my mood being all over the place? Yea no, not helping.

Time to try something else. 

Or, maybe…

17 02 2012

Or, maybe my role is to be a muse?

Demon Hoarder

17 02 2012

What if the only art form I have to offer is exorcism? Cathartic? Unbearable to look at because its too full of demons? I have so many demons that haunt me I’m not sure I’ll ever run out. I think I hoard them. The tumultuous unrest that is inside of me will never be silenced. I will always scream.

What a stupid life. 

Depersonalization Disorder

11 02 2012

So I took this test. Because a little while ago I realized that I disassociate quite a lot. I didn’t even know that some of the things I was doing were disassociating.  I scored a 58. 




At times anyone may feel as if they are just going through the motions of life, or they may experience detachment from their feelings, but if these sensations are consistent and are making it hard to function and relate to others, these may be signs of dissociation. This screening test is designed to determine whether you have experienced signs of depersonalization and may be at risk for a dissociative disorder. Review the following statements and indicate how often you have had that experience. After finishing the test, click Score my Questionnaire and you will receive a brief summary. It is recommended that you share this questionnaire with a physician or mental health professional who can perform a complete evaluation and can determine whether you are experiencing depression and/or depersonalization.

    Never Once or
Sometimes Many
all the
Only with
drugs or
1. I have gone thru the motions of living while the real me was far away from what was happening to me.
2. I have felt that I was living in a dream
3. I have been able to see myself from a distance, as if I were outside of my body watching a movie of myself.
4. I feel that I can turn off or detach from my emotions.
5. My behavior has felt out of control.
6. I have purposely hurt or cut myself so that I could feel pain or that I am real.
7. I have gone through the motions of working while I felt that my mind was somewhere else.
8. I feel as if I am “spacey”.
9. I have had the feeling that I was a stranger to myself or have not recognized myself in the mirror.
10. One part of me does things while an observing part talks to me about them.
11. I have felt as if parts of my body were disconnected from the rest of my body.
12. My whole body or parts of it have seemed unreal or foreign to me.
13. I have felt as if words flowed from my mouth but they were not in my control.
14. I have felt that my emotions are not in my control.
15. I have felt invisible.
      NO YES      
Did the experience(s) interfere with your relationships with friends, family or coworkers?      
Did it affect your ability to work?      
Did it cause you discomfort or stress?      

I should paint,…

8 02 2012

I should paint, every day. I think that might be a new goal.

Why doesn’t ho…

5 02 2012

Why doesn’t hope come in pill form?

Thank you

1 02 2012


I just want to say thank you, to Holly from Pervocracy, because, she has helped me understand  so much about my own rape experiences and my sex life.


I don’t think that it won’t ever not be hard when I identify so closely with something written about rape.

I’ve been talking about my parents a lot in therapy. That hasn’t been easy. Mostly about my mother most recently.

I keep having all these weird sex dreams. I guess they aren’t that weird, I mean I’m not dreaming about fucking any relatives, so that’s good. But its like every one I come in contact with on a regular basis…I’ve probably have had a really awkward sex dream about them… Luckily its only been with people in my generation. Mostly other people in my program, men and women, and orgies.

BUT its like every one is a virgin. So its all super awkward. And then usually some one unwanted shows up, too.

I’ve noticed that every time I think of him, outside of therapy, I skip over whatever jolt of instant memory I had that involved him, its like I’m trying to erase what happened….all of it, any thing involving him. Like I’m tricking myself into thinking that if I ignore triggers enough he’ll cease to exist.

That can’t be healthy.

Last year…

1 02 2012

This time last year I was in the looney bin.