5 03 2012

There was a time in my life where I had goals and they mattered to me. I was looking at my friend’s 25 before 26 blog and I thought…that’s a great idea, maybe I should do that.

Then I realized I don’t care.

All I want to do is make bullshit food. Paint bullshit pictures, and make bullshit objects.

And even then, not that much. Every time I make food I have to clean it up. And I know that’s a dumb complaint. I do. What a first world problem. Fuck I’m an asshole.

When did I become such an asshole?

I had to shave all my pubes to do this body caste tomorrow. I look like an alien.

Not taking the medication helped some.

But my stomach ache is back. And I still don’t give a fuck. I never want to leave the house.

Having roommates makes me want to leave the house, but he’s gone till…maybe when I’m gonna be leaving.

All I think about is sex and death. Did I mention that already? I don’t remember. And Mad Men.

In many ways I hate television. But I really love this show. Its a great story. I relate to so many different aspects of it.

I suppose I could have a goal to leave the house each day.

A goal to shower twice a week.

To always be honest with my counselor. Who may not be my counselor after May.

Am I too sensitive? Some people have said that I should develop a thicker skin. Other people have said, “Oh you should really get over that guy, doesn’t sound too bright”

I know that they have no clue. I know that they mean nothing but encouragement by it.  But the thing is.

They have no clue.

No fucking clue how hard it is for me to sit in some classroom every day. I hate everything. And when people tell me things like that… I want to ask them how they would feel if…

I once clung to god and Jesus when I was wanting them to exist.

Now I feel as if I’m clinging in the same manner to meaning. Life as meaningful.

I don’t think that’s true.

Maybe meaning is the last god for me to kill.




5 responses

6 03 2012

We already talked already, but yea no I agree with you. Just you know world view change and all, and I’m not very good at letting those go over night. Envy those who can. (not meaning to imply that you are or aren’t). Anyway I think I need to write more about this. To help make sense of what I’m trying to say.

6 03 2012

No, I dunno. I have no idea if I can because it’s never really happened to me (the massive worldview change). I mean, I think the way I see the world and whatnot has evolved super slowly and gradually since I was very young and in a lot of ways it’s not actually very different than it was when I was, say, thirteen. So yeah it can be hard for me to understand what that must be like and properly empathize or whatever

5 03 2012

Why should life’s pointlessness get you down? Just because it’s pointless doesn’t mean you should or shouldn’t do anything.

5 03 2012

I mean, if life is pointless and meaningless (and it is, imo), the meaninglessness itself doesn’t matter.

6 03 2012

That comment makes my brain hurt, but I like it.

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