He Brought Me Lilacs

25 04 2012

So there’s this guy. Who’s my friend, and I suppose I would say he’s a sexy friend, we have some sexy times…. But now he’s being a nice human being and liking me.

His words, “I really like you”
Me: *Silence*
My Brain: Why are you ruining this with words?

I know he likes me. And it isn’t that I don’t like him. Because I do. Its just…. damn I don’t know super intense. And he knows that I can’t handle labels. That I can’t handle the idea of being exclusive. He knows what I think of monogamy, he knows how I feel like I can’t really do anything more than friendship really. Yes we have sex, but that doesn’t

Gotta spend less time with him….but I do like him.
Definitely not as much as he likes me.  The way he looks at me some times… I feel like its unfair to him that I’m so empty.

I am attracted to him, I like having sex with him. True I am attracted to other people more.

I want to like him more. Everything in me is telling me that he is wonderful and treats me fantastically, and I should stay, I should enjoy and commit. But at the exact same time, all I hear is “Run, no, don’t do this, its a trap.” Every fiber of my being wants to bolt.

I’m terrified of the way he looks at me with so much care.

 

 

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Carry it With me

8 04 2012

“You look really sad.”

That’s never something you want to hear some one say… much less the majority of people who speak to you that weekend.

But my counselor did, and so did a couple of my friends.

“Thanks.” I said to my therapist. He then started asking me if I was having suicidal thoughts again, or thinking about death. And unfortunately for me, I had just that very morning. In the waiting room, at breakfast. But it was decided that I could not because of the fact that I owed Micah paper, we had a trade and I hadn’t held up my end yet. So, yea, no drowning myself or making my wrist split open.

That was one of the weird things was it wasn’t that I actually thought about cutting up myself, just that all of a sudden my wrist just bursts open. And blood goes every where.

My counselor then asks if I would ever consider going into a hospital again. And well that didn’t go over very well. He then asked if I would consider partial hospitalization.  I don’t think that I’m that bad off… but obviously if I don’t snap out of this shit then that’s exactly where I’ll be headed. “Not every hospital is like the one you ended up in”

You won’t always feel this way, your depression and all these things won’t always rule your life.

Maybe when school is over.

I have decided to make a list or reasons I can’t kill myself.

1. I would force Allison to learn the dark Arts so she could murder me for being so stupid.

2. Allison  (aforementioned),Robyn, Victoria, Tiffany, Mary, Rebecca, Saybra, Cindy, Aaron, Linda, Dr. Stiver, The Maddoxes, Taylor,  Mom, Dad, Nicki, Chris, Everett.

3. I have not started the artist residency I want to start.

4, Haven’t built a house out of recycled materials yet.

5. Haven’t learned to scuba dived/see if I can really become a commercial diver or oceanographer

6. I haven’t learned to play that one Beethoven song that I started right before I quit my lessons. I think it was Sonitina in D.

7. I  haven’t learned seven languages, and gotten to use them

8. I’ve never been to Bali, South America, Cambodia, India, Nepal, Tibet, or Everest.

9. I haven’t learned to mountain climb

10. I don’t have my mfa, or a doctorate yet (which I could totally live with out, but I do still want)

11. I haven’t canoed down every major river on each continent

12. I haven’t been to Antartica

13. I haven’t met my healthy self yet

14. I’ve never seen the permanent collection of the MOMA

15. I’ve only been to the met once

16. Never lived in NYC yet

17. Never lived any where but USA so far

18. Haven’t seen Gogol Bordello, The Mountain Goats, the Raincoats, or some other awesome punk/gypsy/lo-fi band in concert.

19. I haven’t been in any Biennial yet.

20. I’ve never been to the Congo

Well there’s more I’m sure, and I’ll add it when I think of it. But for now I have plenty of reason’s to live.  I will be sure to continue to add to the list. Write it down in my small notebook, and carry with me the reasons to live, and try to put down my sadness.





The T and me

6 04 2012

I hate public transit so much right now. Or at least Boston’s public transit. I live too fucking far out. I Hate it. I hate it so much it takes at least an hour to get anywhere I need to be. I Fucking hate it. I’m so fucking annoyed right now. I can’t even begin to calm down. I wanted to ride my bike, but I have a fucking flat tire, and now I’m not going to group.

Well I don’t fucking care, of course I fucking care. Maybe I was wrong, maybe it is too much for me to do two groups and add a second counseling session. Is there anything wrong with that? No, no there isn’t. So you aren’t ready,  that’s all there is to it. I doesn’t mean that you are weak.

My friend was really hard on me the other day, and then I was late to the yoga group and I started crying. How annoying.

All week I was looking forward to yesterday because I didn’t have class and so I could just be in the studio…. then we had half class, and I didn’t go, and I didn’t leave the house.  Not once

I did go to bed early in hopes it would be easier for me to wake up this morning…. it was not. I slept so hard.

I have to figure out the right amount of sleep. Basically I am not functioning at all.  I want to do video art, but I kind of hate everything right now. And all the suggestions that I got for my video I basically can’t do. I either don’t have enough money, time or skill. So whoopie.

FUCK fuck fuck fuck

 

Its really hard for a person with no concept of time to get around in a city that is tiny as far as how many miles across it is and vast as far has how long it takes to get to the tiny place across the way.