Carry it With me

8 04 2012

“You look really sad.”

That’s never something you want to hear some one say… much less the majority of people who speak to you that weekend.

But my counselor did, and so did a couple of my friends.

“Thanks.” I said to my therapist. He then started asking me if I was having suicidal thoughts again, or thinking about death. And unfortunately for me, I had just that very morning. In the waiting room, at breakfast. But it was decided that I could not because of the fact that I owed Micah paper, we had a trade and I hadn’t held up my end yet. So, yea, no drowning myself or making my wrist split open.

That was one of the weird things was it wasn’t that I actually thought about cutting up myself, just that all of a sudden my wrist just bursts open. And blood goes every where.

My counselor then asks if I would ever consider going into a hospital again. And well that didn’t go over very well. He then asked if I would consider partial hospitalization.  I don’t think that I’m that bad off… but obviously if I don’t snap out of this shit then that’s exactly where I’ll be headed. “Not every hospital is like the one you ended up in”

You won’t always feel this way, your depression and all these things won’t always rule your life.

Maybe when school is over.

I have decided to make a list or reasons I can’t kill myself.

1. I would force Allison to learn the dark Arts so she could murder me for being so stupid.

2. Allison  (aforementioned),Robyn, Victoria, Tiffany, Mary, Rebecca, Saybra, Cindy, Aaron, Linda, Dr. Stiver, The Maddoxes, Taylor,  Mom, Dad, Nicki, Chris, Everett.

3. I have not started the artist residency I want to start.

4, Haven’t built a house out of recycled materials yet.

5. Haven’t learned to scuba dived/see if I can really become a commercial diver or oceanographer

6. I haven’t learned to play that one Beethoven song that I started right before I quit my lessons. I think it was Sonitina in D.

7. I  haven’t learned seven languages, and gotten to use them

8. I’ve never been to Bali, South America, Cambodia, India, Nepal, Tibet, or Everest.

9. I haven’t learned to mountain climb

10. I don’t have my mfa, or a doctorate yet (which I could totally live with out, but I do still want)

11. I haven’t canoed down every major river on each continent

12. I haven’t been to Antartica

13. I haven’t met my healthy self yet

14. I’ve never seen the permanent collection of the MOMA

15. I’ve only been to the met once

16. Never lived in NYC yet

17. Never lived any where but USA so far

18. Haven’t seen Gogol Bordello, The Mountain Goats, the Raincoats, or some other awesome punk/gypsy/lo-fi band in concert.

19. I haven’t been in any Biennial yet.

20. I’ve never been to the Congo

Well there’s more I’m sure, and I’ll add it when I think of it. But for now I have plenty of reason’s to live.  I will be sure to continue to add to the list. Write it down in my small notebook, and carry with me the reasons to live, and try to put down my sadness.

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2 responses

9 04 2012
peniscolony.wordpress.com

~necromancer~

8 04 2012
Tiffany Creecy

I don’t want to get all cheesy or try to tell you that I know what you’re feeling. But I do want to say that I love your list, and I love YOU.

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