He Brought Me Lilacs

25 04 2012

So there’s this guy. Who’s my friend, and I suppose I would say he’s a sexy friend, we have some sexy times…. But now he’s being a nice human being and liking me.

His words, “I really like you”
Me: *Silence*
My Brain: Why are you ruining this with words?

I know he likes me. And it isn’t that I don’t like him. Because I do. Its just…. damn I don’t know super intense. And he knows that I can’t handle labels. That I can’t handle the idea of being exclusive. He knows what I think of monogamy, he knows how I feel like I can’t really do anything more than friendship really. Yes we have sex, but that doesn’t

Gotta spend less time with him….but I do like him.
Definitely not as much as he likes me.  The way he looks at me some times… I feel like its unfair to him that I’m so empty.

I am attracted to him, I like having sex with him. True I am attracted to other people more.

I want to like him more. Everything in me is telling me that he is wonderful and treats me fantastically, and I should stay, I should enjoy and commit. But at the exact same time, all I hear is “Run, no, don’t do this, its a trap.” Every fiber of my being wants to bolt.

I’m terrified of the way he looks at me with so much care.

 

 

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4 responses

29 04 2012
boorf

I think Geo up there has a good point about practice trust…

28 04 2012
tmcreecy

^Agreed, I think being honest with him is key. Sure, honesty is not always easy, but I think it will be the best course of action for both of you. And I also agree that you need to recognize that you are someone deserving of his affections and care. Again, I know that may not be easy given everything, but you are an amazing person.

I love you, and truly, I need to call you more often and hear how things are going on the other side of the country. I miss you.

26 04 2012
raperelatedptsdsurvivor

this is cool, you are exploring how you feel about it, isn’t that a positive move!

26 04 2012
Geo

You’ve been badly, badly burned! Any possible “partner” reaching out to you for more than “simple sex” – is likely to either toxicly connect with you – where it flames high and then crashes down badly or feel threatening and dangerous to you where you are not feeling a tight, close, intense attraction which seems “better” than others.

I suggest – honesty with him – as best you can – as in: “I enjoy being sexual with you, but don’t feel a magical draw” (or whatever you’d feel) – as well as: “I like you and I’m scared of ….” (related to your past issues) and: “I need to go slow(er)” and/or “I don’t want monogamy because…” (or “I won’t be monogamous”) – I don’t mean any of the things I’m saying – but rather – trying to be honest with him and yourself – and seeing IF – things can work out on both your terms.

It is great – that you feel some positives with him. It is most understandable that you don’t feel totally safe and comfortable. My sense is that you both Need a future relationship to be potentially stable and not necessarily “real exciting” – some faint moves towards more stability in your life as well as taking things as slow as you can for both of you and a situation where both you can accept him as he is and he can accept you as you are.

Regardless of whether this relationship has true – lasting possibilities I think that you need to seek – it or something similar to it – as “practice” (which may work out) – towards building trust and some stability in your emotional life.

You need to begin believing that you are a good – person – who is deserving of caring and happiness! That is no doubt tough for you – after being beaten down as badly as you were.

Good Luck!!!

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