My Lover, my Friend

17 07 2012

I was trying to sort through the conversation that had been with Aaron out with another one of my friends, and I told her that I realized, and resigned myself that I was in fact, in love with him. Her response, “Well¬†that’s¬†romantic!”

But to me, falling in love isn’t romantic. Falling to me implies a loss of control, blindness and overwhelmed by the situation. I told Aaron last night that I didn’t want to fall unknowingly but walk boldly forward, realizing who he was.

Even though there is still huge part of me that is down right terrified and only wants to run away screaming. There’s also several parts of me that look at the situation and know that it isn’t the same.

What I experienced before, is not what I’m experiencing now.

My friend also mentioned to me that I was seeing things in black and white at the moment and not in the nuanced way that life, relationships actually are. She was definitely right about that. It felt as though I would never see him again. Like he would just be gone and cold to me forever. Which is not what I wanted.

We did both agree that there should be more space between us. I also told him that we shouldn’t take ourselves so seriously. I have a full time job and I’m building my portfolio to work toward’s grad school, and he’s about to start grad school in a very rigorous program. I realize now that part of why I wanted space, was because I really hadn’t had enough time to myself. I haven’t been writing the way that I need, and I haven’t been drawing the way that I need either. I think in part I started seeing him as an obstacle.

I told him my difficulties with being defined as monogamous how my body kept feeling memories of the past, but how my mind knew that this was different. That he was different.

We both said that friendship was the most important thing to us at this moment.

This morning it became clear to me and I said, ” You’re my lover, and my friend”

He replied, “You’re my lover, my friend, and my companion.”

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He left for work.

14 07 2012

Sorry for my absence. It’s not that I haven’t been writing at all…. just mostly in hard copies. Though admittedly not as much as I should. I’m trying to write 750 words a day. And to be honest I have not been able to do that lately, I’ve got to find a way to do more self care.

So things like this stop happening:

I was planning on asking for space but I ended up telling him I wanted that by saying that I would be okay if he slept with other people. For him sex is this really intimate thing, which is something I’m not really good with anymore. I Mean ever so often I’m capable of being intimate… but mostly sex is just sex to me. And I feel like being in an open relationship, even if no one ever takes advantage of that is just less pressure than monogamy. There’s less stigma of ownership. I maintain my freedom so to speak.

Of course, I wasn’t able to SAY any of that. He didn’t yell or scream at me or anything. He didn’t even raise his voice, his tone sounded upset, which I got, but my body was still having flashbacks to when I was with my ex.But I was able to distinguish that what my body was experiencing was a memory or a default thing and not what was actually happening.

At one point he started talking about how he wasn’t sure if he was in love with me, and I was relieved. I was also really afraid that he was in love with me. I had all these reasons why I didn’t want to fall in love, and I still don’t want to FALL, but now I realize after a few days being in love doesn’t mean idealizing the person or not seeing them for who they really are, but seeing them more clearly than ever. To be in love isn’t a helpless act of tripping or falling down some magical tunnel, its a choice. Those other thingsI don’t know, are for hollywood.

Any way to express my foolish excitement of him not being in love with me, was a terrible idea. And then he started talking about how I seemed to need him more than he needed me And he said if there was anything unfair about that it was that I didn’t allow him to need me the way I need him. I asked him how he needed me and he said that he didn’t need me. That he didn’t need anyone in the sense of getting out of bed and the house. Which if he said anything cruel…that was it. Earlier this year, I couldn’t leave the house. And I did rely way too much on him. To help me get out of the house. When he was there, I was able to leave. When he wasn’t I would have panic attacks.
I think it could have been any one, maybe. Just having a presence there helping me get up and out.

But after he said that I realized it was true. And he was talking about how he knows that I say and want to not need anyone. And I was so upset, angry with myself for not relying on myself. I’m afraid that if I do need anyone that I’ll end up in another codependent relationship. Which is something I’m NOT willing to let happen. Another reason I’m not comfortable with monogamy.

So I started consoling myself, and I was putting my hands on my head. And Aaron tried to touch me, to also console me and I pushed him away and said, “don’t” after that he became cold. I kept saying that it was unfair to him. But he never seemed to say that. Maybe he likes being needed?
It was late and we were both tired.

In morning I asked him what was it that he needed from me. And he said that the only thing he really needed or wanted was companionship. When I asked him if I had given him that and been a good companion he said yes.

Then he said that he wanted clarity. I told him I didn’t know what that meant. He said he wasn’t sure either.

He said that we were still friends. But that he didn’t know what to do with goodbyes. I didn’t understand what he meant, I didn’t understand why how we said bye for the day had to change. To me that wasn’t the conversation that we were having.

When he left he just said bye, and turned to walk out the door. I told him to wait. and he turned slowly and gestured a “what?” “What were you expecting? I told you I didn’t know what to do, you seem to want to reduce us to casual friends, so what do you expect?”

I told him that I cared for him more than a friend. That I have love for him. I took his hand, it was dead weight. He was still cold. I was so upset. I was starting to realize that maybe this was the end. Before I could really start crying my wall went back up and I dropped his hand and said, “You’re going to be late for work, bye.”