My Lover, my Friend

17 07 2012

I was trying to sort through the conversation that had been with Aaron out with another one of my friends, and I told her that I realized, and resigned myself that I was in fact, in love with him. Her response, “Well that’s romantic!”

But to me, falling in love isn’t romantic. Falling to me implies a loss of control, blindness and overwhelmed by the situation. I told Aaron last night that I didn’t want to fall unknowingly but walk boldly forward, realizing who he was.

Even though there is still huge part of me that is down right terrified and only wants to run away screaming. There’s also several parts of me that look at the situation and know that it isn’t the same.

What I experienced before, is not what I’m experiencing now.

My friend also mentioned to me that I was seeing things in black and white at the moment and not in the nuanced way that life, relationships actually are. She was definitely right about that. It felt as though I would never see him again. Like he would just be gone and cold to me forever. Which is not what I wanted.

We did both agree that there should be more space between us. I also told him that we shouldn’t take ourselves so seriously. I have a full time job and I’m building my portfolio to work toward’s grad school, and he’s about to start grad school in a very rigorous program. I realize now that part of why I wanted space, was because I really hadn’t had enough time to myself. I haven’t been writing the way that I need, and I haven’t been drawing the way that I need either. I think in part I started seeing him as an obstacle.

I told him my difficulties with being defined as monogamous how my body kept feeling memories of the past, but how my mind knew that this was different. That he was different.

We both said that friendship was the most important thing to us at this moment.

This morning it became clear to me and I said, ” You’re my lover, and my friend”

He replied, “You’re my lover, my friend, and my companion.”




One response

17 07 2012

You sound very grounded. You sound very present. While it certainly may not be easy for you now or in the short-term future, you’ve come a long way. Great!

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