She Means Well.

2 08 2012

Yesterday I was sitting down having my coffee in the new house. My mother sits across from me with her ipad up. And starts interrupting the Tom Waits interview that was almost over.  I have little memory of what it was that she said. Just that I paused the interview. Actually I have little memory of what was said in the interview, more that Heath Ledger must have watched it in preparation for playing the Joker. Which hey, that’s sweet, and then he gets to do his last movie with Tom which is even sweeter.

My mother sits across from me drinking her iced tea. She then starts talking about the chick-fil-a pres, and the horrible things that he said about homosexuality. By that I mean “God’s Judgement”  for bringing equality to people. Some people think that it will be a slippery slope (logical fallacy) to allowing polygamy to be legal. Which Honestly probably should be legal as well. If its legal there would be less likely that people would feel the need to start compounds and be all sketchy with the young ones, and  help prevent incest. Maybe. But I digress this is not the conversation that we had.

“Were you the one who told me that the Mayor of Boston refused to have chick-fil-a in boston until they changed their policy on same sex marriage?”

Maybe- probably not, I tend to avoid bringing up the subjects of sex, sexuality, religion, my past, marriage rights, politics, foreign affairs, when speaking with any member of my family. In fact I do my best to make sure that basically everything I post on my facebook is invisible to them.

Then she started saying something defending his right to say that, which he does have that right under the 1st amendment. And I recognize this, but every one who is upset, also has that right to express their unhappiness towards the situation. And the Mayor of Boston in my opinion is right to protest Chick-fil-a, Boston is a very PRIDEful city after all, and I’m proud to live in it.

I told my mom, before saying any of that, that we should probably stop talking about this subject, and she said okay. Then in the next breath says, “But…”

She pushed me… and the words came tumbling out. My mother is so wrapped up in Jesus and the Bible that those are basically the only words she knows. It may sound like she is talking about different things, but if you listen closely you’ll hear her alternate between Jesus, jesus, jesus, bible, bible, the bible, god god god god.

I started voice recording the conversation after she started talking about the devil ruling the world, being its “prince” She used quote fingers, not me. (though I do use quote fingers, shame, I know)

I started asking her questions just to understand what she believes. And she never definitively said that she didn’t think that homosexuality is natural. But she did say that our brains have been affected by sin, and that homosexuality was a sin. She said that she didn’t believe that each baby was stitched together in the womb, because, why then do we have blind babies, deaf babies, MR, and on and on. Good job mom, compare homosexuality to being deaf, blind, and an idiot- Oh and palsy. My mother’s solution to the existential crisis, and evil is: SIN! Its all because of sin, and that simplistic answer is good enough for her. Maybe that was mean to call my mother simplistic. Let me look it up real fast…. nope sounds just like my mother.

The conversation turned from homosexuality to biblical interpretation. Then it turned into me. I said something like, ” The kind of relationship you are describing having with god sounds awfully codependent and abusive.”

I shouldn’t have said that. I guess that was my tell. But she still misinterpreted it. “I’m sorry L, I’m sorry for what happened to you, I’m sorry you’re so angry with god, that you blame god, but God didn’t do those things to you. I’m sorry you didn’t listen when your father and I told you two to wait to get married.”

“I don’t blame God” (because I can’t blame a god I don’t believe in.) What I really wanted to say was, You need to leave, now, because for her to play the I told you so card… ohhh I do not know how I did not explode at her. I think that the POWER group must really have worked a lot, because that shit, is not cool.

Then she starts to cry and say that it doesn’t just stop at you. Your parents weep, I weep, your father weeps, God weeps. There was a tiny bit of tenderness towards her with her big brown eyes filled with tears. But then its hard to forget the words she said only minutes before.

Then she said, ” I wish you had pressed charges, I don’t understand why you didn’t press charges”

I told her I didn’t understand what had happened to me until much later. And she said well you still could have pressed charges. But there wouldn’t have been any evidence. But he would have a red flag, she says. And so would I. No, why would you? Because mother, there is no scientific evidence, there is nothing but his word against mine. (Also HELLLOOO that would bring him back into my life in a really unpleasant way, and the fucking family would get involved)

They blame the victim in most rape cases. They wouldn’t blame you… when have people blamed the victim? (My mother, so out of touch on some things) I list Kobe Bryant, ( Even if she wasn’t raped, he photo was released AND her number), That French diplomat and the Maid, that lets be honest, he probably did everything she said he did. And I don’t know how many more.

But what she didn’t realize. She had ALREADY blamed me. Not on purpose. But because being in the right is soo very important to both her and my father and I understand that living with my father, the expert can cause even the most zen person to crave a need to be right on SOMETHING but at what cost? That’s the thing my mother, nor my father understand. That being in the “right” isn’t always worth the cost. That’s why I haven’t brought up the fact, that by her saying, ” I’m sorry that you didn’t listen when…” is essentially saying, I told you soI foresaw this, this is what happens when you don’t listen to your parents.

The pain I have from those words, that’s the kind of pain I had, longing to tell my mother, just to talk to her ask for her advice, before things got so bad, that Christmas that she now claims, ” I could tell something was wrong, you were like a different person”

That October she had told me, ” You’re a woman now, and marriage isn’t easy”

I know she didn’t know.

I know she didn’t understand.

But then how can she say “I told you so!” ?