22 09 2012

I started a text message to him. I reads, “Hey, hope you’re well.”

I did not send it. I wanted to send it. but more, I wanted a response, and the fear of radio silence, keeps me quiet. I know that I shouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a person who obviously doesn’t want to be a in one with me, but goddamn it I love him.

It was probably for the best though.

He insists that we are still friends. I really hope so, because I don’t want to loose him as a friend, or any more friends for that matter.

I feel like maybe I was too sexual. Like I don’t know how to relate to men I’m in a relationship with unless sex is some how involved. I’m so used to being seen only or primarily as a sex object, I guess I’m learning how to not only be that. And I think I was so close. And I mean yes, I do enjoy sex, but it was so much more than that.

 

I miss him most in the mornings. I loved waking up to him, I felt safe, and reassured. I don’t know if he knew that. I don’t know if that matters.

Maybe I’m still too influenced by the way I was raised. Maybe if I could shake that, then it wouldn’t matter.

I keep trying to ignore the question in my head of, “What did I do wrong?”

And the thing I try to ignore even more is the answer I hear, “Love him”

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