No distractions in grad school

25 09 2012

I will not obsess, I will not obsess. I will not, obsess.

 

He gave me this orchid plant, I named it Evelyn. She has two and a half blooms right now. I’m afraid I’m going to kill it, even though I’m doing the whole ice cube thing, that seems to make it happy. Well… most of the plant. I guess blooms will always fade no matter what, that doesn’t mean the plant is dead.

Nina Simone is the sound of my soul.

Every time I sigh…. I feel this pain. I keep trying to not to listen to the part of me that keeps saying, “That’s dumb”

The sun is out, its gorgeous.

 

We had a pregnancy scare… I took Plan B, twice. My period is still messed up. It was so consistent for years after I stopped taking birth control. And these two pills have made it strange again. I kept thinking in the back of my mind that I might be pregnant…. and then I’d have to get an abortion. I remember he said that I wouldn’t have to go through that alone, but that was in the summer, when he had time for things outside of grad school. I was so happy to see that red, I don’t want to have to go through something like that alone.

I have this book of his, Ways of Seeing… its a pretty fast little read. Good too. I finished it the other day and didn’t realize, because of the citation section, I just thought it was another chapter, the last chapter. I’m going to read the book again before I give it back to him.

I can’t help but see some strange metaphor or some shit. The book was over before I knew it, the relationship the same way… well almost, except I saw it coming.

It was him that wanted a relationship.

It was me that told him to be careful, because would be the one to hurt him… because that’s what I felt like I did. Hurt people. Not meaning to, but since I wasn’t really good with having emotions…But that’s not true anymore. I feel like a teenager again, in all this overwhelming emotive state not knowing what to do with them.

You aren’t supposed to hang on to your anger, or else it becomes bitterness. And sadness you aren’t supposed to hang on to because it could become anger. The only thing that people seem to say that you’re supposed to hang on to is happiness. But that’s the hardest thing to even come close to. And love, love you’re supposed to hold fast to.

Part of me still wonders if another day, another time, if I had done something different. If I had told him how deeply I felt….feel for him.

That’s the thing I do feel very strongly… towards every one who I love. I don’t let go of people, unless the love becomes poison.

I don’t know if we will really maintain a friendship, I hope so. I know I don’t think ill of him.  I’m not ready to let go of the kind of love I have for him. I try not to hope for us to redefine again as lovers. Part of me still does. But I have a strong feeling that part is over now.  And that when we meet again, there will be a distant glimmer, but a strong unspoken word. For even if he wants to, what it boils down to is that I am a distraction.

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