Catch-22

3 10 2012

This past weekend I went to an art party and met a person who I ended up being really into, and we talked and at the end of the night we kissed.  There was a big part of me that wanted to invite him to stay, but on top of my room being disastrous  I really do not want to be a sex object any more. So I said good night.

Last night we hung out again, and then he said as we were parting, ” I don’t want to lead you on, you seem really nice, but I think its unfair that I’m mostly just interested in you because of your body.”

Honesty. So often does it hurt. And yet, still feels better than being lied to.

“I am painfully aware of what it means to be a sex object, and I do not want that anymore.”

He said a few more words, about not wanting to be strangers and getting to know me and things like that, and then I said a few more words then he touched my leg and ass.

“Do you not want to touch me or do you want to touch me?”

I also told him that I had no expectations, and had been pretty well disillusioned to true love, monogamy, and that I was not possessive or jealous.  What I know is that I seem to like you, and that I am attracted to you.  But again, I’m not interested in only being a sex object.

We hugged, we parted ways.

And I cried the entire way home. And for a few hours after being home. I don’t understand. I really don’t. How can I not be a sex object?

If I scrapped my face, tits, and ass off would I then be able to be a human being?

The guy that tells me he wants me more than my body breaks up with me when things get busy, and another guy tells me all he wants me for is my body so doesn’t want to bother.

Maybe I should start taking testosterone and grow a beard.

I feel like such a huge contradiction, I don’t want to be objectified, but I still get a stupid smile on my face when a person I think is cute tells me I’m striking.

 

I really want to love myself, to love my body, but as of late, I don’t even want to be inside of this skin.

Maybe I’ll take up mma, and have my face smashed in.

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2 responses

4 10 2012
boorf

I think that, because this has become so weird and compulsive and upsetting for you, you should go on sex hiatus until you meet someone you really like. And then don’t bone until you get to know each other a little bit. I feel dumb saying this because it’s not really what I’m about but you feel bad about so much of this and this doesn’t have to be the way it goes down. You might just have to be patient and masturbate. Take care of yourself and focus on yourself.

4 10 2012
boorf

I don’t think that’s contradictory at all. You can find someone physically attractive without viewing them as an object.

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