Enter Lelo

6 10 2012

Sexual Hiatus, yes not a time of abstinence or chastity, but a sexual hiatus. Because Lelo, you my friend are about to get worn down.

The thing is I know sex is waay more than the P in the V but I really like to have my pussy filled with cock.  And while Lelo can do some amazing things for the clit, I’m not so sure about its abilities on the inside. Maybe I need to get a wall dong…. but I feel like I should give Lelo a chance  before I go blowing all my money  on more self pleasuring sex toys.

An internet friend of mine called me a pervert the other day and I did not take offense, I mean it was meant as a compliment, I knew it and felt it, and enjoyed that compliment. Because of this… high libido, strong sexual appetite, or whatever you want to call it, I find it hard to believe that I will actually not have sex on my hopeful sexual hiatus. I have kinda poor impulse control when it comes to this.

I mean the longest I’ve gone with out sex…. I believe was three months. Since I was 20, you know after I was married. And then when I was separated, I kept feeling my ex inside of me, feeling him crawling on top of me, and it made me feel sick, and drink too much, and then one night I had beer goggles, and enter me having one night stands…I had very few standards at first. I basically only had to be mildly attracted to them, not even like them, and I would fuck them. Because I could still feel my ex.

But then I actually did have a crush, and then had sex with him, and it was FUN. So much fun, and we communicated and during Christmas break had sex basically every day that I was in town, multiple times.  Suddenly I felt like this was it, this is what I wanted, fuck buddies. But he wanted more, and I lived in another town. We did have sex a few more times when I was back in town, until one night I got super drunk and told him he deserved to be with some one who was capable of love. I mean I really liked him and said that as well, but  it didn’t  matter because he deserved more and I wasn’t capable of love any more, that my ex (who he knew vaguely) had ruined that out of me. I don’t remember his reaction, and I barely remember saying that, I had accidentally chugged ever-clear the night before. But I do know that in the morning he did seem different.


Then there were a few more mistakes of having sex when I was waay too drunk, with one person who I really did n’t like. Then I had the realization that I become a monster when I’m black out drunk, evidence found through horrid text messages I sent some one I barely knew, and I decided to real in my crazy and not get black out drunk any more. So no more mixed liquors and no more shots. Because its not that I can’t hold my liquor, I mean I can chug ever-clear for christs sake, but holding that liquor leads too often to crazy monster me and I don’t like crazy monster me.

Then I found another consistent fuck buddy and that chilled me out for a moment, but I still wasn’t able to get all the pleasure I wanted, it was the same thing every time, the biggest variety was taking me from behind, but hey, it was still sex, right?

Then there was couchsurfing yoga guy, with the magic dong. All we did for a week was, yoga, sex, and food. I mean it was amazing. Yoga as foreplay is still something I am hoping to find in another partner, one day.  Yes this kid had the biggest consensual dick I’d seen, but more importantly he knew how to use it. Because frankly if you don’t know how to use what you’ve got it doesn’t matter how big it is. I mean really use and control, he could control his ejaculation and dry cum. It was kind of fascinating. He was only in my life a week but he taught me so much about my own pleasure. He taught me not to be afraid of what I wanted sexually. And for that I thank him and call him my first teacher.

I didn’t really have that many new repeat partners the last year I was in Abilene, just one, but he didn’t live in Abilene. It was my last semester, and I tried to pursue a relationship. I also found myself in a number of kind of sad drunk and horny scenarios, but nothing happened.

This new person who I met I had admired from very far away for some years. He’s older and an artist, one who I really dig, and now we are something possibly like friends. We talk, we fuck, he gives me advice. I enjoy his company, and he seems to enjoy mine, but we aren’t together. I think I’m more or less a fantasy to him. Though he does say that I am more than a sex object, sometimes I’m not sure.

Then I moved to Boston… and my impulsive nature gave in again. I was able to chill out a bit after a few months but I think I had sex with three different people in the matter of a week and a half? Which probably isn’t nothing, but for me, it was a little alarming. Then…in February the same thing happened.

Then A came into my life and taught me how to feel, and was such a good lover. He opened me up, and sure we did fuck do not doubt that. One time we were going so slow and he asked me, ” Can I fuck you?” and get chills just thinking about it the way he said it, it was mmm really nice. I know that’s nto the dirtiest thing any one has ever said to me, but damn. I really wanted to hold on to him, the way that he felt, but then when I saw him last week, and it hurt so much, I decided to make some bad choices, by going to that frat party. And now that’s done.

I do feel a little ashamed of my last weekend exploits… I don’t really tell people I know that I had sex. And I certainly won’t tell him I had sex because I missed some one and then cried the whole way home on the train.

And so because of the shame that I feel, that’s why I am taking a sexual hiatus. Because sex should never feel shameful.

And I still love him. Though it hurts a lot less today than it did last Friday on the train.





3 responses

7 10 2012

See, that’s what confuses me about what you say – because on the one hand you put it down to just a naturally strong libido and level of desire (which is not at all uncommon, obv), and on the other hand it’s this really compulsive, shame-filled thing for you. I’m sure both of those things are true but I don’t believe most people have a desire so strong that it is unable to be be controlled. And when it gets to the point that it actually cannot be controlled, I feel like that’s when it crosses over into an addiction type behavior.

7 10 2012

I’m not trying to say I think you’re a sex addict. I just think you have this narrative about yourself that gets in the way of you taking control of your impulsive behaviors

7 10 2012

And I feel like there have been SO MANY TIMES you had sex and then texted me to say how bad you feel or written that you feel used or whatever and it just sucks a lot and I want you to be happy and not do things that make you feel unhappy

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