Gross feelings.

21 10 2012

I talked to the ada… and its him.Its Him and I see his face when I close my eyes, and then I try to think about AB instead, and I realize that I love and miss him.

Maybe more than I realized.

I look at myself in the mirror and barely recognize the aged creature before me. I have aged at least 5 years and probably more within a week.  This whole news has obviously consumed me more than I was willing to admit.

I don’t know how to do this. I feel alone and powerless against my raging subconscious.

All I really want is a hug. From AB specifically. But from any safe person would be nice really.

I really don’t want this to rule my life, but right now I’m so raw and torn up inside….I don’t know if I have the capacity to focus and  just go on, just yet.

But that’s exactly all I want to do; go on with my life. In both instances.

I don’t want to be bothered by the shitbag that raped me two years ago.

And I really don’t want to be in love with AB anymore. And I keep thinking that I’m like sooo totally over that, but that just isn’t the case.

I spent so much time confiding in him now I feel as though I have no one. Here. In Boston.

But I also confided in C I could turn to her. I could turn to her and seek her out. But Isn’t it too much for one person? I Just want to be safe and hugged.

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