Calling a Goat a Goat

29 01 2013

So I’ve started seeing some one and by started I mean back in November.  Some one who is completely amazing, so good and caring, fun, and sexy… and I’m terrified by how much I’m *feeling* towards him already. Mostly due to the fact that I am, actually feeling things. Its still kinda new to me.

But this time I’m not running away from him. I’m not hiding. But he also isn’t prying or demanding more than I can give. He doesn’t act like he has a right to my devoutness or body.

I didn’t know people like him existed.

He said he didn’t own me.

He said I didn’t owe him an explanation when I started to explain why I wanted to go slow.

When I said, “It would mean a lot to me if we didn’t have sex tonight.” he said, “of course” and hugged me.

He wanted to take me to his parents because he wanted to make his mom uncomfortable by his opinionated, passionate, girlfriend. Not because I was something nice to look at. I can’t say how many times I have felt like some one else wanted me to meet some one else because I was a trophy. I think perhaps part of my reserve in admitting publicly that I was in a relationship with AB was because I felt that part of the need he had, was to show off his trophy. Because he never said things like, ” Well I’m not really interested in  you for your grace, but more your brute strength and unrelenting power.”

I mean, wow. I can’t believe I have this person. Some one who I’m romantically involved with, who champion’s me. He believes so strongly in me. But not in a pedestal kind of way. He doesn’t say that I’m perfect (which is awesome), he thinks I’m talented, smart, funny, passionate, bad ass, sexy, and apparently have unrelenting power.

Do you ever get uncomfortable when some one says something that they see in you, but you don’t see in yourself? That happens a lot with M. But its always something that I have this internal debate of whether or not I’m strong or ____. For Example on the strong thing: There is still a part of me that feels like (and thinks) if I was as strong as some people believe, like M, then I couldn’t possibly have been raped for three days by my scumbag ex husband, and then on top of that be raped a year later by a stranger. I wouldn’t or couldn’t have ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship, and now I’m starting to feel the whole sexual relationship I had with my ex was kinda on the iffy line of consent, or a great deal of it at least.
And every time M, makes a comment about how strong I am (its usually tied to a joke about how I could take some one or kick a few people’s asses) I think to myself, ” I wonder if he would still think that if he knew about my past.”

And last night he said something, and I got a little choked up and said, “You really are so good.” he asked what I meant, ” I mean so few people have been kind to me the way that you are. My life is so different now than just a few years ago. And I’m sorry for crying just, my body has this memory for traumatic events, I’m working on it, and the anniversaries are really awful for me. I was hospitalized two years ago.” I didn’t say anything beyond that, I thought about it. But really didn’t want to right then. I just wanted to eat the food we had made. So I made a comment about how he hadn’t even taken a bite yet. And he said, “I was listening to you, I didn’t want to eat while I was listening to you.”  That made me want to cry more so I turned to my sandwich and beer and took a bite. Besides I was close to being done with mine, because I was a little high and very hungry. And started eating before him, because I’m rude.

He then went on to say, “You know L, and you may and probably do actually already know this or feel this way, but I won’t judge you at all for anything that you did or happened or some way you used to think in the past, you can talk to me about it, if you want or need to.”

I do want to. I want to tell him so very much. I was ready to last night, and then he said those things, and I just wanted to hold on to those for a while, and not be high and already upset about the whole thing. And before those memories had come up, I wanted to have sex. And he seemed to, too. But when he came to bed he just held me.

This man, has opened my eyes and given me hope. Hope that really there are more than ten good people in the world.

A few weeks ago I asked him if he would feel better if he had something to call me, aside from my name, “You mean like my girlfriend?” And of course that word made me very uncomfortable and was like, well no, that’s not what I meant, I’m not a girl, and you’re not a boy, I just… there…”L, you might as well as call a relationship what it is, you can dance around the words or try and come up with new ones, but you’re just making words like boyfriend, girlfriend, taboo, and thus more powerful than they actually are. ”

“Okay…I see you point. I suppose, yes, girlfriend is good then. So does that make you my boyfriend?”

“Yep.”

“Alright then, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend.”

And then we made out a bunch.

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One response

30 01 2013
Tiffany

M sounds like an amazing person, and I’m really happy for you. You deserve someone who recognizes you for ALL of your amazing qualities.

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