Ahhhhh Freak out!: Grad app edition.

18 12 2013

Ugh. I’m just. I look at the work that I’m doing and one of my most recent ones, and all I can think is how disorganized it looks, how highschool it seems, seriously I feel like I am still just that angsty teenage girl. But that’s stupid and self blaming, and I know that I can do this, I have the backing of like a super legit artist, who’s one of my recommenders, so that’s awesome. But again when I look at everything, all I can think is why have I been so lazy, how am I not past this yet? Why is this so terrible? Why are those things so ugly. Even though whilst painting many of these things I specifically WANTED to make things that were ugly.That are unpleasant to look at. And then there’s the whole artist statement thing, and choosing which piece I want to be the “representative work”, and that needing to be all… ugh. I don’t know how to talk about my process with out sounding like a crazy person or talking about all the trauma that I’ve been through, but they don’t need to know that, I don’t WANT them to know those things off the bat. I don’t want them to know the extent of my PTSD, Bi polar, Depersonalization/relaztion disorders, or all the other “diagnosis” I’ve had. But if I don’t talk about at least some of that, I’m not talking about my work. And I have to talk about my work inorder to fill out the fucking forms. And I could just talk about my process, but it’s so intuitive it’s really confusing to put into words. I mean I literally prepare myself mentally to go to a place where I Remember what it feels like bodily. And then I’m like… but if that isn’t in the work, if that doesn’t come through then wtf? WTF? am I supposed to do? Seriously. I hate my life where I’m at right now, I ignore most of the things going on in my head, which makes me ignore the studio, which means I’m not making work, which means I’m not doing what I love, which makes me miserable.
I just… There’s only 16 pieces for this one portfolio and I have about 20 pieces to choose from. I thought I was good, I thought I was prepared I look at the statements at the questions asked, and I don’t understand.
How am I supposed to write a bio/artist/intent statement in 500 words? 500 words, seriously? That’s like a paragraph. I’m not a super concise person. My thoughts are not organized. I want to do this. I need to do this. But I don’t know if I can do this.

Abuse: a guide

11 12 2013

Abuse is owning some one. Abuse is doing whatever you want with some one or getting them to do it.

For this to happen here are some helpful tips:

Tear that person down constantly. Dash their hopes, belittle them, poke holes in their beliefs, tell them how their good qualities are their flaws

Then, put them on a pedestal. Tell them that their perfect, that you couldn’t live life with out them, tell them that you have all the power, that you can make any one do anything if you really wanted, all you had to do was open your legs. Tell them that you can’t help yourself around them. Tell them that they saved you.

Then, tell them that they’re too needy. Tell them that they don’t really have any friends, that their friends only hang out with them because you’re there. Tell them that you don’t even really care about those friends because you can just toy with them.  Tell them that you make all the money.

Tell them that it’s their fault that you’re peeing on their clothes, while  you were drunk. And then laugh about it later.

When they get angry tell them, remind them, that no one else would have waited as long. That you aren’t worth the wait. Remind them that all those other people would have left long before if they hadn’t gotten to fuck you. Remind them how that makes you such a good person.

The trick is to make that person an object. Strip them down till nothing exists except what you say exists. You have rolled them out, forged the cookie cutter, and pressed down. Now you have your perfectly shaped customized abuse toy.

11 12 2013

My body lies broken
The surface, cracked,

And here I am putting the pieces-