Styrofoam matters

19 11 2015

I feel like I’m drowning. the tension in my neck is making my body so stiff I feel like I am barely moving. I’m hovering above myself, close by trying to keep moving, but too afraid to be grounded. Because the ground isn’t going to stabilize me it’s going to knock me on my ass and make me choke.

Everything is a blur and I feel like I can’t hold onto a single thing. I don’t understand how this has happened, where did my agency go? Where has my mind wandered off to? Why can’t I just be myself?

But who is myself? Am I the capable person I thought I was. Or am I more consumed and affected by my mental health than I’ve wanted to admit. Am I doomed to periodically have to have “rests” in the hospital? This time I didn’t even really loose my mind, I was just very sad and wanting to get back on medication.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I ever found my mind again after that hospital visit. I feel like everything fades away, so what’s the point?

Why bother? Nothing that matter’s lasts.

Styrofoam lasts. Maybe that’s what matters.

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