Why I hate Paul

30 01 2014

I hate Paul. Paul is in many ways one of the first Christian theologians. I know that he’s considered scripture and all, cannon what not. But, let’s be honest here, a hallucination is not walking around with the guy you claim is god. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not back on the Christian band wagon, I’m merely stating that other people that are in the christian canon have a better claim to the words of christ, and god’s will and what not. 


I hate paul. I said that already, oh I’m sorry, but I’m going to make myself clear. I. HATE. PAUL. 

There are many, many reasons I hate Paul, but it wasn’t until recently that I had an epiphany as to why. 

It’s pretty simple really. That verse Philippians 2:3 “Do not act out of selfish ambition or conceit, but with humility think of others as being better than yourselves. ” NIV, not that any of the other versions are better, they’re all a pretty shitty concept, really. 

Here’s the thing. That verse, was POUNDED into my head, it was in the very core of my being. And I do not doubt that there was some infinitesimal amount that did have a positive effect, maybe. BUT. Consider this: if one grows up in an abusive environment, and is told by the one who is the source of terror, that you should consider other’s better than yourself. Others would include the one who causes terror. The abuser. 

So, my dear friends, imagine then, how it is that you feel about yourself, when you realize logically (considering the situation) you are therefore, worse than those who cause you fear. You are worse than the ones who make you afraid that they might harm you, your pets, or others out of blinded rage, a rage which you have no idea what will set it off. 

So if that person is better than you. What does that make you?  

And I wondered why for so long I had no self worth. 

Why I need Intersectional Feminism

20 11 2013

In the past few months I have been standing up for myself and what I believe. Calling people on their shit, so to speak. Namely people I interact with, online, and in life. First it was my father. Some coworkers, an old prof, and my boss.

My coworkers I just say my peace and it’s usually a short conversation where little is said beyond and little or no feather’s are really ruffled. The long email’s between my dad and old prof, have been tasking. When I confronted my boss I almost quit my job.

I need feminism because my boss doesn’t’ understand the difference between innuendo and making a rape joke. He is unwilling to admit that the sexual humor that is common in the kitchen is capable of going too far, and that making a joke about raping one of his employee’s with one of the managers is not okay. And then he proceeded to tell me that I might want to find a new job, because this may not be the best fit, because these kinds of jokes would continue and I wasn’t going to tell him otherwise. I need feminism, because I’m tired of being called a prude, or humorless after standing up and saying that rape jokes aren’t okay. Or any misogynistic jokes for that matter.

I need feminism because when I use the term rape culture my professor automatically makes claims about how this day and age is probably one of the best times for women, and one of the best countries for women. And even if that were true, which I’m not entirely sure that it is. Why stop, because things are better than elsewhere? How is that even an argument? Also just within the last year the way in which men have policed women’s bodies, and the number of times that our media and culture have promoted rape, blamed victims for ruining the lives of rapists, is extremely alarming. And while he complains that it is important to acknowledge and talk about false accusations being a real thing, as if it was the most important issue and something that happens more than rape. If false accusations were over ten percent of reported sexual assaults, then maybe. MAYBE it would be an extremely important aspect considering this day and age. But considering that false accusations are also frequently lumped in with unfounded cases I.E. cases where there isn’t enough proof to prosecute….well perhaps what is actually a false accusation should be tightly guarded, more so than having rape needed to be continuously qualified.
What it boils down to is he is equating the societal problem of false accusations with the societal problem with actual rape. They are not the same. The weight is very, very different, and the scale is tilted very much towards the amount of rape that happens.

Rape needs no qualifiers. Rape is rape. If no consent is given, then it’s rape. Grey rape, forcible rape, pedophilia, date rape. It’s rape. It’s a dehumanizing, violating, tortuous, traumatic, sexual action taken against some one that drastically alter’s that person’s life. And for my prof to call rape a hobby horse, is disgusting. Robin Thicke’s (I acknowledge that this is not the only dangerous song out there, or terrible pop song, and possibly not even the worst however, it’s popularity is alarming) case in point of rape culture. The fucking song was #1 on the billboards for something like ten weeks this summer, and is still being played on the radio. And yes, people still listen to the radio. With in the last year, alone it seems that more and more rape is becoming a group activity. (Stubenville, Hallifax,Maryville) This song and many others, as well as political figure’s comments, and comedian’s behavior point to a popular culture, a society that does not understand what rape is.  That’s why these qualifiers have been popping up rapidly.

Perhaps there is some understanding forming, since the FBI finally updated their official definition of rape, since 1927. Perhaps URC stats will be more accurate, eventually but until society and culture, come to really understand what rape is, I doubt it.  I mean, it took me a year and a half to understand what happened between me and my ex. Six months for me to understand what happened with the stranger. It has taken me three more years to realize that much of my entire sexual history was traumatizing, and coercive.   So on top of understanding what rape is, we need to understand what consent is.  We also as a society need to understand effects of trauma, and what it looks like. I’m still learning that myself.  It’s a long way. And it won’t happen all of these things, none of it will happen unless we all look to Intersectional Feminism. For it is only when justice is sought out for all of those marginalized, that peace, and real justice can be found.

It Happened

31 03 2013

Today I realized that no matter how many scenarios I come up with that start out as, “If I had just…” will change the fact that I was raped.


8 02 2013

So over the weekend, M and I had our first real argument borderline fight.

Last Friday night right before we went to bed I said something stupid. Something that I think I have a legitimate reason to run over and over in my head, but then never say out loud, because its my scumbag brain that needs to unlearn some things.

Here’s what I asked, “Could you do me a favor? Could you introduce me as L, my girlfriend, instead of my girlfriend, L”

To me(scumbag brain that needs to learn that I’m not in an abusive relationship anymore) the whole girlfriend before name thing was literally putting my identity behind my being M’s girlfriend. EVEN THOUGH, he has done nothing and I do mean NOTHING to suggest that he thinks he’s better than me automatically because he’s a man.

But you see here’s the thing my stupid brain hears/sees/feels/remembers initially with that kind of repetition (I seemed to have been getting introduced a bunch as of late)

So, first off. When I was in middle school, I was sexually harassed EVERY. SINGLE.DAY. And GROPED. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. So much so people stopped using my name, and simply referred to me as my ass. No joke. It was rather dehumanizing. I did not matter, only my ass. What a horrible feeling for anyone, but especially a person who’s at the stage in their life where they’re learning who they are.

Then, enter ex-husband, who at the start of our marriage referred to me as the wife or wife actually in a fairly possessive way, and used my name, less and less. And by the end of our marriage just referred to me as bitch. And then in our separation, bitch, whore, cunt, all of those were very common.

There are other things too, but really that’s enough for my brain to freak out now just for being in a relationship/opening up to some one emotionally and sexually. And there’s this part of me that is in full belief that everything will turn to shit, and I’m going to be the one getting hurt again. And I’m not sure how much more hurt I can handle. But at the same time, I also don’t think that I could ever put myself in any situation that would let me be as badly hurt as I was with my ex or that stranger.

Any way, I KNOW that M is different. Very different from anyone I’ve ever been with and most people I’ve met. But my stupid brain hasn’t unlearned that not every relationship is an abusive one. And so there is sabotage about. And before I had really stopped letting this all spin about in my head, and realize that I’m triggered and acting from a point of being triggered out, I spoke those words.

He said he could do that, but then pointed out that I was the one that had specifically brought up, “What do we call each other conversation.” And once we started talking I realized that I had listened to my victim part of myself triggered self, and not really me. Not the me that knows M, and knows how much he cares for me. And I apologized profusely, but the seed was there for the epic shit show that was the next night.


We both had, had really super shitty days, and went and got food to take to my house and make dinner. I had forgotten that one of my roommates had said that he was going to have a few old buddies over. Well I thought that he meant like two or three at most. Not what was it, four? five? Anyway, doesn’t matter, what does matter is that they got very drunk very quickly and one in particularly large in stature dude grew to be an even bigger asshole.

He quickly got black marked by me, by trying to explain to me that I don’t know how to cook because I didn’t know what a BTU was and some how more importantly that I didn’t know the difference of BTU’s for a gas stove vs. an electric. I told him, that I knew that gas burned faster, and that I knew how to cook, and then wait a minute I don’t have to explain or defend myself to you, I don’t KNOW you and YOU SIR, DO NOT KNOW ME. And then proceeded to start making cookies.

M, was very uncomfortable, this guy was very big, loud, and domineering.  I went into my dissociative survival mode and fixated on making these cookies that we had talked about making for a few weeks now. Actually this was the entire reason I wanted to go to my house versus M’s because I have a stand mixer. I did my best to ignore basically everything, looking up ever so often to see M, talking and or laughing about something, I thought he was having a better time than I was expecting. Little did I know that he was just putting on a good show. He sure fooled me. I mean, eventually neither of us could keep it up and we went up stairs to my room. And I asked him if he wanted to leave and go back to his house (which I had actually asked him a few times before we started cooking) And when we finally did decide to leave, we were packing up in my room, and it was revealed just how long he had been keeping face.

He vented on for a few minutes about how the same societal norms and stereotypes are forced upon men that are forced about women. Obvs he didn’t mean the exact same, but there are still these roles that men are “supposed to” fall into, which M, does not. (A good part of why I like him so much) And he was upset, about what I had said the night before, and why was because he felt that I was calling him that dick that was downstairs. I immediately felt horrible that something I had said had caused him so much pain. I told him again that I didn’t mean it in that way and that he was completely right that he had never done anything to indicate any of those things. And I just felt worse and worse and I tried to explain about my stupid scumbag brain that didn’t understand that I wasn’t in those situations anymore. But it wasn’t helping. I told him how wrong I was, and how sorry I was.

But he was also angry with himself. Angry that he felt the need to placate people like that and that it was best to do his best to fit in until he could get out of there. I told him to say fuck those people, if they didn’t like him for who he was, and that he should be proud of who he is, because he was so awesome and different and well spoken, and smart, caring, and just such a good person. And besides, I liked him for who he was, and if he was anything like that guy, I wouldn’t have looked at him twice.

I mean seriously, my biggest, and possibly only disappointment with M so far is that he doesn’t like massages.

Anyway, we made up, it was tense for a minute, but we did make up.

But there’s still that stupid stupid brain in my head that’s now whispering, “I told you so”. Because we had a squabble. One squabble.  And I’m doing my best not to listen to it. But man does it make me anxious.

But hey, I’m still not running away screaming, so that’s progress.


Divorced vs. Temporarily Married

2 01 2013

I visited my family and my home town for the christmas holiday. And have many moments with my family that made me feel less than good, one of the ones that has been mulling over in my mind is my father’s new phrase he likes to use instead of divorced.

“My daughter was temporarily married, that’s what I’ve decided to say instead of divorced because it really wasn’t that long”

But here’s the thing. That phrase is shaming.

When he first said that he thought it would better to say temporarily married instead of divorced I laughed slightly uncomfortable but unsure why I was so uncomfortable exactly. But I listened to that discomfort and learned, just why I would much rather identify as a divorcee than some one who was once temporarily married.

Marriage is about union, partnership, maybe even love and friendship, but is is a union, a linking, and in my case-bondage.

I do not wish to identify with the part of myself that was in that bondage. I am proud of my divorce. Yes, it was painful, but it was a worthy struggle through a much of shit that gave me freedom.

I divorced myself from abuse, my mocker, bully, and rapist.I divorced myself from wanting to die and take my own life before becoming a divorcee or life with out my ex-husband.
I divorced myself from a way of thinking that with out a man I wasn’t really a woman.
I divorced myself from fear of a day that words would come to blows-that tears would flow with fists.
I divorced myself from a slave driver who identified me as, bitch, whore, and cunt.

I saved myself through divorce. I separated myself from those identifiers, and to re-identify with a union to my rapist, is putting me in a state of eternal victimhood. I would never have become a survivor if not for my divorce. I would never had been free if not for my divorce.

I’m proud to be a divorcee.

Why I care about Masculinity

7 09 2012

I was recently asked why I care about Masculinity. Here is my answer.

Masculinity interests me because of my father. He is ridiculously macho. He is MAN in a very muscular, gun wielding, grilled meat eating, hyper sexual, outdoors living, and god fearing. And he’s horribly angry. He’s also an artist. And likes trying new kinds of food, wants to live more than anything out on the sea, as he is a romantic. Unfortunately he seems to love my mother primarily for her boobs and beauty. He puts cheap vodka in good bottles… He wants a good dog companion, but animals are terrified of him. He claims he doesn’t know that he’s big, but I’ve seen, and heard more stories of him using his strength to intimidate what he calls bullies. He grew up hating his father and saw him as a bully and decided to fight injustice and bullies all around and in many ways feels called by god to do just that. And provide for his family all the while. If that isn’t too much for one gender much less on person I don’t know what is.
I care about masculinity, because it is only by rethinking that and feminity that we will be able to actually have an opportunity for an egalitarian culture.
I care about masculinity because I believe that the current standing view at least in the south is a strong contributor to a rape culture. I care about masculinity, because I know that the current view is a limit upon male humanity, and thus female humanity. Because in the mainstream you are either or.
And I’m a firm believer in celebrating humanity. Not squelching it.

The Toll of the Troll

19 03 2012

Chatroulette is the ultimate trolling tool.  Which makes it one of the weirdest places I’ve been on the internet. I’m sure that there is a term, but I don’t know what it is. Where a person will be like talking to you, then they ask you to help them jerk off, and you do, and then right before they cum they change the camera.

This was okay in some instants, but man did it make me feel awkward in others. I do not think I will be returning or paying that toll again.

It didn’t really cure my boredom, wasn’t that interesting, and yea. I defintely don’t think I could be a phone sex operator. Since talking with strangers on chat roulette is so difficult for me, plus I didn’t really care, wasn’t really into it, and kept laughing when I shouldn’t.

All well.


17 11 2011

I’m such a liar. I lie all the time. But really its just about one thing. How I’m doing.

I’m doing terrible really. More days than not. And I didn’t wake up too late to make it to class on time.

I woke up and can’t bring myself to leave the house.

I woke up and felt as though I hadn’t slept.

I woke up and couldn’t bring myself to care.

I woke up and hate everything that I’m working on and if I get to the studio I’ll tear it all up…

I woke up and started crying.

I woke up and could barely breathe.

I woke up and feel like some one had been sitting on my chest all night.

I woke up and I’m shaking.


But life isn’t about how you’re doing, not actually. Its about pretending. And people don’t care how you’re actually doing, they just want you to smile.  And every time I smile, just for smiling sake, I tell a big fat lie.

Against the Current

22 07 2011

“Because woman lives vicariously she need take no moral responsibility for her behavior: because she has no responsibility she has no morality and no ego.  Because of the lack of ego and the variety of roles that women manipulate, they have no identity, as one may guess from their willingness to give up their names.  Woman is never genuine at any period of her life.” – The Female Eunuch Pg 120

Woman is never genuine at any period in her life.

Not for lack of trying, but because she is not allowed to have an identity. If one has no identity, no sense of self, sincerity can not be. Everything is a show, a mask is always on, for only with the masks that others hand a nameless being is it then named.

I would like to say that this isn’t the case anymore. But honestly in some ways I think its worse. Because there is clear lack of individuality in our society today. Individualism true is prevalent, but individuality is not.  Every one is supposed to put on face and be a rock, and island and happily pursue whatever this years American dream is. Meanwhile free thought, critical thinking, curiosity and imagination are being squandered, and all these things are essential in being a self actualized individual.

I don’t know how any one goes through life with out curiosity. With out wondering why it is that one person thinks this way or that. Or why it is that this group of people seem so taken by some smoe who doesn’t even know their history. With out curiosity and critical thinking, charisma and charm win out over integrity and justice. With out curiosity and wondering how things work, or why things are the way they are, innovation ceases. With out curiosity imagination consists of dreaming about the next object to fill the garage with, rather than inventing stories and creating, well….anything.

I see this in men and women, even children. A childhood with out curiosity…humans with out curiosity….we might as well as be fragile coral fixed to some rock…Barnacles, living forms that depend completely on a fragile environment never moving any where, longing for anything. The most movement we get comes from the involuntary sway with the current.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be a sponge, barnacle, or a goddamned sea fan.