The Adventures of Self Love and Eradicating the Werepussy

18 07 2015

I ride my bike a lot, and I sweat a lot, and I have a vagina. This is apparently not the best thing for my femme cave. So after several scary visits to Planned Parenthood, so far I just have normal vagina problems, that have nothing to do with STI’s. Which I’m glad off, of course, but also annoyed. Like this is just another reason why comprehensive sex education is so important. Vaginas are great. I mean they are a pain in the ass, but they’re also amazing. Temperamental, but incredible. I thought for sure that I consumed enough garlic to never have any trouble what so ever. A few years ago, when I was riding and sweating, and accidentally made this weird frosting stuff that I turned into cookies and brownies, and then proceeded to get a whole lot of itchy down where scratching feels really good, but the itchy makes you worry… my vagina that’s what I’m talking about.

Any way because I was on the pill M and I weren’t using condoms. Because whatever that’s our decision. So I got this bacterial infection. Because when you don’t use condoms, then not only do you have to worry about what you’re eating, but also what the person with a penis is eating. I’m talk PH levels mostly here. He ate more of the brownies and cookies than I did.  So sugary cum, plus sweat and thongs(which I only found out was an issue), is how I’m guessing I got a pretty alarming case of bacterial vaginosis.

I may have not realized or paid enough attention to how many days I did the vaginal cream stuff (which you insert like a tampon) the itching and discharge went away so I figured I was good. I think I was wrong. Because I’m pretty sure that since then every time before I get my period…I get a little itchy. And what’s crazy is that I just lived with it. I hate going to the gyno types so much that I lived with my crazy werepussy. Let’s call it that werepussy, hell if the Sookie Stackhouse books can make a werepanther, tigers, foxes, and what ever else, then my itchy poone that visited monthly for a few days can be called a werepussy. Because I become a different person. The kind of person that has to stay home so they can scratch themselves till their face goes slack. The kind of person that has to find privacy in public places so their face can go slack. Think Michael Fassbender in Shame only I’m rubbing because I physically itch, not sexually.

Maybe there was this gross part of me that secretly wanted it, because I could just ruin myself with a warm washcloth. I would, too. I would literally scratch until there was a hint of blood. So yea… not the best treatment of myself. Then I would put tea tree oil or apple cider vinegar on my wash cloth, pat it, and feel that stinging burn. I liked the way it felt. I liked that it hurt. I did it just last month and it was fantastic. But I don’t think that’s possibly the best thing to do, so I’ve decided to be nicer to my meat purse, and kill the werepuss.

How does one kill a werepussy? Well, start by properly taking the full regiment of medicine given to you. Follow their instructions and take it easy physically for a few days. Then rework wardrobe. Buy proper cycling gear to protect your lovely labia and friends, and then moisture wicking underwear. Thongs? now the only thong’s you shall ever wear are those that are made for athletic movements and have antibacterial fabric as well as the moisture wicking wonders. So yea, I will still be dressing like a super hero in cycling shorts and tights, but it’s just not going to be the cheap stuff anymore. I need to come up with something to do with all my non cotton underwear. Maybe I can sew in a kind of moisture wicking cotton fabric crotch patch in all of them? I wonder if that would work.

The next step after wardrobe is to further refine my diet. I will try and drink more water. If I drank one and a half of my 40 oz canteen a day (flavored with lemon or lime or apple cider vinegar) then that would probably be enough. But I think for the next week I’ll try to drink a full 80oz a day, to flush my system. Next, sugar. No more refined sugar or evaporated cane sugar. Nope, I think I’ll switch over to brown rice syrup, coconut sugar, molasses, and maple syrup. I love to bake, and cane sugar is fantastic for that, but so is coconut sugar. And since that shit is so expensive, that will probably mean less baking. Or I could just make more chocolate stuff, since I can just flavor that with vanilla.

In any case, I shall now be eating and dressing to make my vagina happy. They come first.