The Circle

18 04 2014

When I was in seventh grade I was on the cross country team. Competition was awful, but running was therapeutic. Our practice was after school just like the football teams. There were four seventh grade football teams, and three eighth grade teams, so something close to a 100 adolescent boys in unstoppable gear. They were armored compared to my wind shorts and running tank.

One time a circle of them came up, surrounded me, closed in on me. They started grabbing me. I kept spinning and trying to hit them, scratch them, anything. Their suits and gear made it impossible for me to cause pain- they just laugh at me. I try to join in the laughter, pretending that I wasn’t terrified, but I could feel my mask slipping.

Other students stood outside the circle, some encouraging their behavior yelling, “get her”, some watching silently. I could see other girls engaged their own cruel flirting games.

Finally Ben Collins* came up and broke up the circle. He was big for his age and in my math class. He told them to leave me alone. I thanked him, he looked disappointed and asked, “Why do you let them do that?”

A shift happened inside of me that day.

* I changed the name to protect the person who did this. 





Calling a Goat a Goat

29 01 2013

So I’ve started seeing some one and by started I mean back in November.  Some one who is completely amazing, so good and caring, fun, and sexy… and I’m terrified by how much I’m *feeling* towards him already. Mostly due to the fact that I am, actually feeling things. Its still kinda new to me.

But this time I’m not running away from him. I’m not hiding. But he also isn’t prying or demanding more than I can give. He doesn’t act like he has a right to my devoutness or body.

I didn’t know people like him existed.

He said he didn’t own me.

He said I didn’t owe him an explanation when I started to explain why I wanted to go slow.

When I said, “It would mean a lot to me if we didn’t have sex tonight.” he said, “of course” and hugged me.

He wanted to take me to his parents because he wanted to make his mom uncomfortable by his opinionated, passionate, girlfriend. Not because I was something nice to look at. I can’t say how many times I have felt like some one else wanted me to meet some one else because I was a trophy. I think perhaps part of my reserve in admitting publicly that I was in a relationship with AB was because I felt that part of the need he had, was to show off his trophy. Because he never said things like, ” Well I’m not really interested in  you for your grace, but more your brute strength and unrelenting power.”

I mean, wow. I can’t believe I have this person. Some one who I’m romantically involved with, who champion’s me. He believes so strongly in me. But not in a pedestal kind of way. He doesn’t say that I’m perfect (which is awesome), he thinks I’m talented, smart, funny, passionate, bad ass, sexy, and apparently have unrelenting power.

Do you ever get uncomfortable when some one says something that they see in you, but you don’t see in yourself? That happens a lot with M. But its always something that I have this internal debate of whether or not I’m strong or ____. For Example on the strong thing: There is still a part of me that feels like (and thinks) if I was as strong as some people believe, like M, then I couldn’t possibly have been raped for three days by my scumbag ex husband, and then on top of that be raped a year later by a stranger. I wouldn’t or couldn’t have ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship, and now I’m starting to feel the whole sexual relationship I had with my ex was kinda on the iffy line of consent, or a great deal of it at least.
And every time M, makes a comment about how strong I am (its usually tied to a joke about how I could take some one or kick a few people’s asses) I think to myself, ” I wonder if he would still think that if he knew about my past.”

And last night he said something, and I got a little choked up and said, “You really are so good.” he asked what I meant, ” I mean so few people have been kind to me the way that you are. My life is so different now than just a few years ago. And I’m sorry for crying just, my body has this memory for traumatic events, I’m working on it, and the anniversaries are really awful for me. I was hospitalized two years ago.” I didn’t say anything beyond that, I thought about it. But really didn’t want to right then. I just wanted to eat the food we had made. So I made a comment about how he hadn’t even taken a bite yet. And he said, “I was listening to you, I didn’t want to eat while I was listening to you.”  That made me want to cry more so I turned to my sandwich and beer and took a bite. Besides I was close to being done with mine, because I was a little high and very hungry. And started eating before him, because I’m rude.

He then went on to say, “You know L, and you may and probably do actually already know this or feel this way, but I won’t judge you at all for anything that you did or happened or some way you used to think in the past, you can talk to me about it, if you want or need to.”

I do want to. I want to tell him so very much. I was ready to last night, and then he said those things, and I just wanted to hold on to those for a while, and not be high and already upset about the whole thing. And before those memories had come up, I wanted to have sex. And he seemed to, too. But when he came to bed he just held me.

This man, has opened my eyes and given me hope. Hope that really there are more than ten good people in the world.

A few weeks ago I asked him if he would feel better if he had something to call me, aside from my name, “You mean like my girlfriend?” And of course that word made me very uncomfortable and was like, well no, that’s not what I meant, I’m not a girl, and you’re not a boy, I just… there…”L, you might as well as call a relationship what it is, you can dance around the words or try and come up with new ones, but you’re just making words like boyfriend, girlfriend, taboo, and thus more powerful than they actually are. ”

“Okay…I see you point. I suppose, yes, girlfriend is good then. So does that make you my boyfriend?”

“Yep.”

“Alright then, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend.”

And then we made out a bunch.





Say what you mean and mean what you say. Please.

3 10 2012

Dear any one who has ever said, “I love you” to some one who wasn’t a family member.

Mean it.

Dear any one who has ever said, “I love you.” to some one who you were having sex with on a regular basis, called your companion and stared at with stupid stars in your eyes.

Mean it in the way you know it has been interpreted.

Dear any one who has ever had the words, “I love you” or “I’m so in love with you.” said to them by a person who has horrible trust issues and who has told you repeatedly how hard it is for them to even accept that they have these feelings because in the past they have betrayed them so terribly.

Please don’t then tell that person after months of returning the “I love you” and even spontaneously saying it yourself; that “I do have love for you, but I’m not in love with you.” and that you aren’t sure if you ever were because you suppressed those emotions.

If you suppressed those emotions, why did you say words that you did not mean?

Also please don’t repeatedly say that you are interested in some one for more than their body and then get incredibly frustrated when that person admits to being afraid that their sex drive has plummeted and doesn’t know why.  Please don’t take it personally, when that person doesn’t want to be touched because for whatever godforsaken unwanted reason the anniversary of horrible events haunt them physically.

Also please don’t say that you want more from a person than sex, and then when things get too busy for sex, stop talking to them for a week and then break up with them.

Also if you really feel that way, don’t let that person come over the day before you break up with them arriving in a corset, and proceed to give you a blow job, no matter how much you want it. It’s unfair to them. And a little objectifying.





Why I care about Masculinity

7 09 2012

I was recently asked why I care about Masculinity. Here is my answer.

Masculinity interests me because of my father. He is ridiculously macho. He is MAN in a very muscular, gun wielding, grilled meat eating, hyper sexual, outdoors living, and god fearing. And he’s horribly angry. He’s also an artist. And likes trying new kinds of food, wants to live more than anything out on the sea, as he is a romantic. Unfortunately he seems to love my mother primarily for her boobs and beauty. He puts cheap vodka in good bottles… He wants a good dog companion, but animals are terrified of him. He claims he doesn’t know that he’s big, but I’ve seen, and heard more stories of him using his strength to intimidate what he calls bullies. He grew up hating his father and saw him as a bully and decided to fight injustice and bullies all around and in many ways feels called by god to do just that. And provide for his family all the while. If that isn’t too much for one gender much less on person I don’t know what is.
I care about masculinity, because it is only by rethinking that and feminity that we will be able to actually have an opportunity for an egalitarian culture.
I care about masculinity because I believe that the current standing view at least in the south is a strong contributor to a rape culture. I care about masculinity, because I know that the current view is a limit upon male humanity, and thus female humanity. Because in the mainstream you are either or.
And I’m a firm believer in celebrating humanity. Not squelching it.