No More Apologies.

2 11 2012

You know what I’m tired of? I’m tired of looking to other people to tell me things about myself.

I’m tired of looking outward and hoping to find “the right way” to look in. And I’m sure as fuck tired of explaining and apologizing for being who I am.

Because you know what? I’m amazing. I am. If I look at my life and stop and think about what it is that I HAVE done, what it is that I’m working on, and where I’ve been, I’m glad I’m alive.  And I’m tired of being afraid of being myself.

I’m pushy, nosey, borderline know it all, who’s smart, and funny (mostly unintentionally), who can laugh at herself,  can discuss the beauty of language, art, music, and has ideas that don’t stop coming. And I’m a painter. Its taken me a while to really and truly admit and identify myself as a painter, but you know what? I’m a goddamned painter, and I need to get to it. Because the biggest obstacle has been myself, and fighting to be something that I’m not, because I was too boughed down with what I saw as a limiting thing.

When in reality what I painter does and is, is vast. Maybe I don’t always take brush to my paint, and then to canvas, maybe I do weld, and make paper, sculpture, video, and a photo here and there, but goddamnit, its all painting to me.

Maybe I have a fragile, and sometimes raw emotional state. Maybe I’m impulsive, and don’t always think things through, maybe some times all I want to do is hurt myself. Maybe I’m sloppy, and could have better hygiene  maybe I drink too much, and am a bad vegetarian and crave lamb and sausage and make myself sick sometimes, because I want a giant meat load in my mouth and I don’t care about the way my body will reject it in 20 minutes. Maybe I’m not very good with money. Maybe I’m claustrophobic, and people stress me out. Maybe I’m not very good at being a daughter or a sister.

Maybe I’m too sexual. Maybe I like sex too much. Maybe I’m not as wise as some people think. Maybe I have trouble recognizing myself in the mirror.

But I’m intuitive, brave, creative, and free.

And I will not apologize. ANY. MORE.

I do not have to defend, explain, and nor do I owe you anything. I am not an object, I am not yours to touch, follow, or have in any way.

I will never give you my heart and I won’t ask for yours, because I think my heart belongs to me and yours belongs to yours. I do not believe in a savior, outside of myself. It is me that will pull myself out of the mire, and I am done, done, DONE, I tell you with being fixed.

I’m. NOT. BROKEN. 

That being said, I do have a lot to process, because lets face the facts dear, which are:

In the last five years of my life I Have:

1. Married my high school sweetheart when I was going to be a junior in college, he a sophomore, we were virgins

2. relationship became abusive

3. Went from considering doing mission work, believing in spiritual warfare, to not believing in God at all and questioning whether or not it was ethical to even be studying theology.

4. Won some big award, for the small town I was in, for a painting.

5. First solo show

6. Went to Italy

7. Separation from emotionally abusive husband, sparked by being raped by said husband for three days(and blacked it all out forgetting/burying it and not dealing)

8. Divorced

9. Graduated two weeks later with a BA in theology

10. Stranger Raped, but didn’t understand (see number seven)

11. Beloved father like mentor dies suddenly, (barely deals with death)

12. Graduated with BFA in painting and drawing

13. Have a major PTSD episode “psychotic break” end up in hospital, after a month of suddenly remembering rapes. Given lots of psyche meds that make everything like tar.

14. Finally start coping with the shit that happened. Have to change phone number and delete beloved email account/blog because fear of being stalked by rapist ex husband

15. Live out of my car, essentially for six months

16. Crash said car

17. End up living with painting professor

18. MOVE TO BOSTON!

19. Got a bike

20. Find good counselors

21. Complete a rigorous nonsensical program

22. Got hit by a motorcycle, concussed

23. Got the brief shit kicked out of me by love

24. Kept biking, swimming, and being active, learning my body’s capabilities.

25. Finally learning to love myself. For Who I AM, not what other people say I am.

 

That my friends, is a lot to process. In fact, its kinda exhausting.  But “the worst things in the world” have happened, and I’ve come through. Not unscathed, no I have scars, but I’m here. I’m a survivor. And I’m learning how to live.  And learning that I am beautiful.

 

Special thanks to a few inspiring folks.

http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-worst-thing-in-world.html

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6osiBvQ-RRg

 

 





If only there was blindness.

22 10 2012

I think I know what my problem is….I’m bored by masturbation. I always know what I’m going to do. And that predictability bores me. I can’t very well trick myself. Also spanking oneself is rather difficult. I can slap myself in the face pretty easy, but I usually do that compulsively when I’m super upset… so that doesn’t really ring, “turn on!” for me.

But will this keep me from it…. *sigh* sadly  not. Will I try new things, knowing that they will still not surprise me, because I know what I’m thinking??? *Sigh*  Yes.





Say what you mean and mean what you say. Please.

3 10 2012

Dear any one who has ever said, “I love you” to some one who wasn’t a family member.

Mean it.

Dear any one who has ever said, “I love you.” to some one who you were having sex with on a regular basis, called your companion and stared at with stupid stars in your eyes.

Mean it in the way you know it has been interpreted.

Dear any one who has ever had the words, “I love you” or “I’m so in love with you.” said to them by a person who has horrible trust issues and who has told you repeatedly how hard it is for them to even accept that they have these feelings because in the past they have betrayed them so terribly.

Please don’t then tell that person after months of returning the “I love you” and even spontaneously saying it yourself; that “I do have love for you, but I’m not in love with you.” and that you aren’t sure if you ever were because you suppressed those emotions.

If you suppressed those emotions, why did you say words that you did not mean?

Also please don’t repeatedly say that you are interested in some one for more than their body and then get incredibly frustrated when that person admits to being afraid that their sex drive has plummeted and doesn’t know why.  Please don’t take it personally, when that person doesn’t want to be touched because for whatever godforsaken unwanted reason the anniversary of horrible events haunt them physically.

Also please don’t say that you want more from a person than sex, and then when things get too busy for sex, stop talking to them for a week and then break up with them.

Also if you really feel that way, don’t let that person come over the day before you break up with them arriving in a corset, and proceed to give you a blow job, no matter how much you want it. It’s unfair to them. And a little objectifying.