Calling a Goat a Goat

So I’ve started seeing some one and by started I mean back in November.  Some one who is completely amazing, so good and caring, fun, and sexy… and I’m terrified by how much I’m *feeling* towards him already. Mostly due to the fact that I am, actually feeling things. Its still kinda new to me.

But this time I’m not running away from him. I’m not hiding. But he also isn’t prying or demanding more than I can give. He doesn’t act like he has a right to my devoutness or body.

I didn’t know people like him existed.

He said he didn’t own me.

He said I didn’t owe him an explanation when I started to explain why I wanted to go slow.

When I said, “It would mean a lot to me if we didn’t have sex tonight.” he said, “of course” and hugged me.

He wanted to take me to his parents because he wanted to make his mom uncomfortable by his opinionated, passionate, girlfriend. Not because I was something nice to look at. I can’t say how many times I have felt like some one else wanted me to meet some one else because I was a trophy. I think perhaps part of my reserve in admitting publicly that I was in a relationship with AB was because I felt that part of the need he had, was to show off his trophy. Because he never said things like, ” Well I’m not really interested in  you for your grace, but more your brute strength and unrelenting power.”

I mean, wow. I can’t believe I have this person. Some one who I’m romantically involved with, who champion’s me. He believes so strongly in me. But not in a pedestal kind of way. He doesn’t say that I’m perfect (which is awesome), he thinks I’m talented, smart, funny, passionate, bad ass, sexy, and apparently have unrelenting power.

Do you ever get uncomfortable when some one says something that they see in you, but you don’t see in yourself? That happens a lot with M. But its always something that I have this internal debate of whether or not I’m strong or ____. For Example on the strong thing: There is still a part of me that feels like (and thinks) if I was as strong as some people believe, like M, then I couldn’t possibly have been raped for three days by my scumbag ex husband, and then on top of that be raped a year later by a stranger. I wouldn’t or couldn’t have ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship, and now I’m starting to feel the whole sexual relationship I had with my ex was kinda on the iffy line of consent, or a great deal of it at least.
And every time M, makes a comment about how strong I am (its usually tied to a joke about how I could take some one or kick a few people’s asses) I think to myself, ” I wonder if he would still think that if he knew about my past.”

And last night he said something, and I got a little choked up and said, “You really are so good.” he asked what I meant, ” I mean so few people have been kind to me the way that you are. My life is so different now than just a few years ago. And I’m sorry for crying just, my body has this memory for traumatic events, I’m working on it, and the anniversaries are really awful for me. I was hospitalized two years ago.” I didn’t say anything beyond that, I thought about it. But really didn’t want to right then. I just wanted to eat the food we had made. So I made a comment about how he hadn’t even taken a bite yet. And he said, “I was listening to you, I didn’t want to eat while I was listening to you.”  That made me want to cry more so I turned to my sandwich and beer and took a bite. Besides I was close to being done with mine, because I was a little high and very hungry. And started eating before him, because I’m rude.

He then went on to say, “You know L, and you may and probably do actually already know this or feel this way, but I won’t judge you at all for anything that you did or happened or some way you used to think in the past, you can talk to me about it, if you want or need to.”

I do want to. I want to tell him so very much. I was ready to last night, and then he said those things, and I just wanted to hold on to those for a while, and not be high and already upset about the whole thing. And before those memories had come up, I wanted to have sex. And he seemed to, too. But when he came to bed he just held me.

This man, has opened my eyes and given me hope. Hope that really there are more than ten good people in the world.

A few weeks ago I asked him if he would feel better if he had something to call me, aside from my name, “You mean like my girlfriend?” And of course that word made me very uncomfortable and was like, well no, that’s not what I meant, I’m not a girl, and you’re not a boy, I just… there…”L, you might as well as call a relationship what it is, you can dance around the words or try and come up with new ones, but you’re just making words like boyfriend, girlfriend, taboo, and thus more powerful than they actually are. ”

“Okay…I see you point. I suppose, yes, girlfriend is good then. So does that make you my boyfriend?”

“Yep.”

“Alright then, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend.”

And then we made out a bunch.

Resolute on resolutions

New Years Resolutions

1. Draw and Write Everyday
   1.   Try to be in the studio for at least four hours daily
   2. Try to be in the studio for at least six on days off even if you don’t do anything, just be in there.
   3. Write at least one word a day, if nothing else just one word.
2.  Wake up with alarm.
   1. You like having coffee and taking your time in the morning if you want to do that, you need to wake up.
   2. You enjoy reading and writing in the morning, as well as stretching if you want to do that you need to wake up.
   3. You hate being rushed in the morning, if you don’t want that to happen you’ll need to get up out of bed.
3. Apply to Grad schools
   1. this is only number three because if you don’t do number one and number two then this certainly won’t happen.
   2. If you want this to happen keep number two and number three
   3. Researching schools is also a good thing to do and save money for applications.
4. Continue to be active
   1. Continue to ride your bike daily
   2. Try to do more yoga
   3. Maybe find a place to swim during the winter?
5. Watch less Television
   1. I’m not saying not to watch any television, just that if you want these things to happen, you should probably not spend all day in bed, watching TV and looking at the internet, also can’t be good for your eyes.
   2. It doesn’t make you feel good about yourself when you do these things, so might as well just not do them.
6. Learn that saying No is a complete sentence
   1. I just read that in a blog and I am so glad to have read it because I thought I was a little silly in trying to learn how to say no.
   2. I need to learn to say no to my negative self, like not giving in to the nest and mopping and watching too much TV, and saying no to that and yes to drawing every day.
   3. But most importantly that it’s okay to say no to other people.  That I don’t owe any one anything. That those gifts that my parents gave me were just that, gifts not bargaining chips.
7. Go on a trip to a place I’ve never been
   1. Possibly to an artist residency?
   2. Buses are great ways to travel with the right companion.
   3. Maybe even a biking or hiking trip? Yea camping sounds good
8. Be more patient.
   1. I need to be more patient with myself. In regards to my health, mentally and otherwise.
   2. Be patient with my art.
   3. Be patient with my relationships. Especially with my romantic one. There’s no rush for anything. Things will happen when they do.

* I don’t know why it wouldn’t let me keep my proper outline I had in word when I moved it over here, and I guess I don’t care all that much, but I Just wanted to share that I’m not aesthetically pleased by all the numbers.

Sometimes when I look at people and work that inspire me, I find myself over come with fear. Fear that I some how won’t live up to their expectations, even though, for the most part, I’ve never met any of them. And the ones that I have met, well let’s just say I don’t know if any of them have truly considered my potential one way or the other.

Divorced vs. Temporarily Married

I visited my family and my home town for the christmas holiday. And have many moments with my family that made me feel less than good, one of the ones that has been mulling over in my mind is my father’s new phrase he likes to use instead of divorced.

“My daughter was temporarily married, that’s what I’ve decided to say instead of divorced because it really wasn’t that long”

But here’s the thing. That phrase is shaming.

When he first said that he thought it would better to say temporarily married instead of divorced I laughed slightly uncomfortable but unsure why I was so uncomfortable exactly. But I listened to that discomfort and learned, just why I would much rather identify as a divorcee than some one who was once temporarily married.

Marriage is about union, partnership, maybe even love and friendship, but is is a union, a linking, and in my case-bondage.

I do not wish to identify with the part of myself that was in that bondage. I am proud of my divorce. Yes, it was painful, but it was a worthy struggle through a much of shit that gave me freedom.

I divorced myself from abuse, my mocker, bully, and rapist.I divorced myself from wanting to die and take my own life before becoming a divorcee or life with out my ex-husband.
I divorced myself from a way of thinking that with out a man I wasn’t really a woman.
I divorced myself from fear of a day that words would come to blows-that tears would flow with fists.
I divorced myself from a slave driver who identified me as, bitch, whore, and cunt.

I saved myself through divorce. I separated myself from those identifiers, and to re-identify with a union to my rapist, is putting me in a state of eternal victimhood. I would never have become a survivor if not for my divorce. I would never had been free if not for my divorce.

I’m proud to be a divorcee.